Today I Hate

Today I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience. I have no sympathy. 

I do not choose love.

God save me from well-intentioned people. They tell me that they know how I feel because their brother/cousin/mother-in-law died. They tell me it's been a rough year for all of us. They suggest that it's easier for me because I have six more children to love. And then the fuckers have the nerve to tell me that since he was driving aggressively in that kind of weather the outcome wasn't surprising.

Is it surprising to anyone that I won't read my Facebook messages?

While the well-intentioned idiots of the world are sharing their pearls of wisdom I have held my sons death certificate in my hand. I have opened the Christmas gift he bought for me before he died. I have reread his last texts over and over.

While the self-righteous have carried on their lives untouched, I have prepared wills for my remaining children. I have talked to insurance adjusters. I have driven by the spot where he died over and over and over. I wonder if he was scared. I wonder if he called for me.

Right now every moment of every day is about me. This isn't your story. I don't want to hear your sympathies or your well-intentioned words that don't offer comfort.

Those people who tell me they have no words... YES! There are no words for this kind of pain.

I have no logic. I am like a wounded dog in a den sniping and snarling, ready to lash out at anyone who comes to close. You don't understand. You can't. Because you aren't me and my process is my own.

Today I hate the world and everyone in it. I don't want to play nice. I don't want to say the right things. And so I retreat. I have nothing to say. I nap. I stare vacantly at the tv. I ignore my phone.

I hurt and your words don't help.

Today I hate the world and I don't want to be in it.