Somebody Died Today

It was just another day. I was doing my thing. Cooking dinner, helping with homework, washing dishes, scrolling through Facebook. 

Life ended. The world changed.  I didn't even notice when somebody died today.

I tucked my littles into bed. I kissed them. I sang them songs.  Then I went back to work on my laptop.

A strange car in the driveway. The dog barks. Heavy footsteps on the porch.  That's when I knew.

Somebody died today.

I opened the door before the knock. Shaking my head I whispered no, no, no. They nodded yes, yes, yes.

Somebody died today and he was mine.

Not my boy I cried over and over. No, not my boy.

Yes, yes your boy.

It can't be true. Say it isn't so.

But they wouldn't take it back. They just looked at me while my word shattered into a million pieces and life as I knew it ended. 

I sank down, holding myself. Screaming inside my head. No! Not my boy.  My guy came running to hold me. My littles got out of bed. How do you tell your children that their big brother is never coming home again?

One by one my children shattered.  Innocence lost,  hearts broken.  How do I hold them together when I don't have the strength to hold myself together? What can I possibly say to comfort them? There are no words.

Tears, guilt, regrets. They are too young for such burdens. One brother says he cried before I called because he felt something awful at the moment of death. Another brother silent and stone faced breaks down when we found out the airbag deployed. He blames himself for selling his brother a car with a defective airbag. A third boy wonders why he didn't spend more time at home, he didn't even say good-bye.

No one can eat. No one can sleep. Stories and laughter mixed up with sobs and vomit.

Life as we knew it, forever changed when somebody died today.