Letters to My Lover - I Need You

Relationships are the the most challenging part of our lives. They stretch us in ways that are difficult and uncomfortable. They also give all kinds of opportunities for growth. Over the last few years I've written a number of letters to my lover as we've progressed through the stages of our relationship. This is the second one. 


I need you.  I need this thing we share.

I don't need you to pay the bills or take out the trash. I don't need you to bring me flowers or take me out to dinner. I don't need you to laugh with me and make love to me.

All of those things are wonderful and I'm glad we are together to share the everydayness of all the little things. But I know that I could do it on my own. And I know that there are many that could step into those shoes if I went looking.

No, it's you that I need. You, pointing out my wounds, bringing my attention to the hidden scrapes and bruises. You, who infuriate me and makes me cry.

I'm past getting angry with you. Mostly.

I used to think I was whole and healthy. I used to think it was your fault for not loving me right, not communicating right.

Now I am grateful that you shows me these parts of my self that are slowly leaking poison into my mind and then overflowing into the rest of my life. If you hadn't said just the right thing I never would have known that that cesspool was there waiting to suck me in, suck me down.  There, I'm left floundering in my fears and negativity.

But this small part of me recognizes that you did nothing wrong, recognizes that I am not being reasonable, recognizes that this isn't truth.

I used to stay mired in the muck for days, crying, not talking to you, stewing in my mad. Now it's only moments before I can see clearly again. In those moments I sink into my own poisonous thoughts, I rage and I cry. I say terrible things about you in my mind. While there is a part of me watching and quietly smiling at the tantrums of a child.

No, it's isn't you. It is me. If you didn't show me my wounds I'd walk around every day thinking that I was whole and healed and enlightened. Instead I know that I am human and broken and no better than any one else.

But I am aware and I am healing.

I need you, not for your kisses, but for the wounds you inflect.

I need you, not to take out the trash but to show me where the poison has piled up in my thoughts.

I need you, not to make love to me, but to keep loving me when I am broken.

Because of you I see me more clearly.

Because of you I can look at those broken parts and see where I need healing.

Because of you I am a better me.

And so I need you.