Lessons Learned from a Stilt-Walking Pirate

The bar was crowded that night, music blaring, people talking.  I stood with a drink in my hand, next to Chuck.  He was there on business.  I was there for an adventure.  Life is too short and I wanted to gather up experiences, to live fully. 

I looked up and saw you.  My world stopped, music faded, Chuck disappeared.  You towered head and shoulders above other men.  You, with your swashbuckling ways, your earring, your day-old beard and your balloon sword.  From the moment I saw you my heart was yours.  I climbed up on a bar stool, we put our arms around each other and posed for a picture.  You asked me to guess your name.  Shawn.  I kissed your cheek. You gave me your phone number and then you moved on.  Work the crowd, make the tourists happy.  I figured, even though I texted you, I'd never hear from you again.  That would have been okay, disappointing, but okay. I may have fallen head over heels in love with you the second I saw you, but you were just doing your job.

I returned to Chuck's side, distracted, a little shell-shocked.  Wow!  First lesson learned from a stilt walking pirate - there is such a thing as love at first sight.  

Your shift ended, the pirate costume came off and then, there you were standing in front of me.  I didn't recognize you right away without the costume, my gaze slid right past you and you laughed at me.  At that moment, Chuck and everyone else in my world faded from existence.  Nothing mattered but you.  You came back.  From that very moment, I was yours.  I would have gone anywhere, done anything, to be with you.

So began my adventures with a stilt-walking pirate, dancing under the stars, riding an inclinator, walking hand and hand through the city, among the tourists.  I couldn't take my eyes off you.  It was almost dawn when you returned me to my hotel room and we went in separate directions with no idea if we would see each other again.  But you came back again and again.  Until finally it was time for me to go home.  I asked you if I could give up my life back home and my children and just stay with you forever.  If you could do that, you wouldn't be the kind of girl I'd want.  I got on an airplane and I cried as I watched the palm trees slip away.

So ends the adventure.  But the lessons were just beginning.

I learned that two hearts can be connected, two hearts can know each other, even if they've never met before.  I learned that there is a tie that binds hearts together.  I learned that sometimes, logic means nothing.  I learned that I can know someone in my heart and not in my head and that that is okay.

I learned how important it is to follow my heart, trust my emotions.  Defying logic, accepting that I don't ever act on impulse or run off to play with strangers, but this one time, my heart spoke louder than my head.

Months later I was on my way to a first date with someone when I got the text from you that said that there was really no future between us.  I knew that.  I knew that from opposite sides of the country and opposing lifestyles, there was no where for us to go, not together.  I determined not to cry so as not to have mascara streaks running down my face when I got to where I was going.  I learned that together or apart, with or without talking to you, I'd always love you.  Those ties that bind my heart to you are stronger than time, stronger than distance, stronger than logic.  I learned that a part of my heart will always belong to you, whether you want it or not.  

I learned that I could love without expectations.  I need nothing from you.  It is enough that you exist, over there, on the opposite side of the country.  Just because you are, I love.  You don't need to do anything, say anything, be anything.  I will love, always and completely, just because.  

And then I learned, that love isn't enough.  I did expect something from you.  I expected you to believe me when I said I loved you, even if you don't believe in love at first sight, even if you can't love me back.  I expected that you would recognize my love for what it was, deep and everlasting, not some infatuation with a pirate costume.  I've never once cared about the stilt-walking pirate, but always loved the man behind the costume.  That one thing that you couldn't give me, hurt my heart.  

Finally, I learned that I can cut the ties that bind.  I can let go of love.  I can let go of expectations.  I can stop sleeping in your t-shirt night after night.  I can wish you happiness and love and joy.  I can find my own happiness and love and joy.  

I know now that all those lessons will stay with me.  I know that the imprint you left on my heart will always remain.  But the point to a lesson is to learn it and be able to apply it to the next situation.  I don't know if I could love the way I do if I hadn't first loved a stilt-walking pirate.  I don't know if I could embrace adventures if I hadn't first followed my heart into an adventure.  I don't know if I could let go of people if I hadn't first learned to let go of a pirate.  

I'm a better person for having known a nine foot tall, stilt-walking pirate.  I have no regrets.

Letting Go, Making Space

For some people, letting go is easy. Others need to hold on. Some people collect, filling their home with a combination of treasures and trash.  Other people let go, never keeping anything they don't love or use regularly.  There needs to be a balance between new things coming in and old things going out or else eventually the house is full and you drown in your own stuff.

Can you say the same about your heart?

Someone I love used to say, "There's always room for one more." And I believed it.  Love is constantly expanding. There is always room for one more in the heart. Isn't there?

Recently I participated in a releasing ceremony. It's purpose was to declutter the heart. To prepare, we had to write letters to those we wanted to release saying all that needed to be said. Then the big day arrived. Participants entered the sacred circle, we surrounded ourselves with the four elements, wind, water, fire and earth. God was invited to join us and help us cut the ties that bind us to these people so we could release the unhealthy relationships and move on. Then a little voice added "or create new healthy relationships with these same people." Brilliant!

There was a pit in the center of the circle and one by one we placed a letter in the pit and watched it burn. We took turns stating "I release you and give you to God with love." Name after name, letter after letter, some smoldering and fighting the flames and others burning up fast and furious. With each name and each letter we visualized the tie holding us to that person being cut. In my mind there was a big pair of scissors. Some ties brought wrenching pain, others not a twinge, some brought tears, others a sense of release. Name after name, letter after letter. "I release you and give you to God with love."

Honestly,  I thought it was stupid.  How could this make any difference?  Eventually it was over and we left the circle in the sand.  Did this somehow change me? Is there really a purpose to cleaning your heart house?

But as days moved on and time kept marching little things started to happen.  I cleaned house literally. Those earrings that he gave me when we were dating, had to go. The t-shirt someone else gave me, that I still sleep in years later, even tho I'm sleeping beside someone else now, it was easy to throw that into the give-away box.  The necklace that my very first boyfriend game me when I was 13, came out of the drawer and went into the give away. It was a start.

Then I decided to clean out my email.  All the sent and received love letters, deleted. Next came the contacts on my phone, numbers and emails, people I haven't talked to in years, deleted.

Did this happen because I set the intention to let go?

Maybe there is a reason to clean your heart house. I swept out regret, anger and resentment.  I mopped up grief and hurt.  I dusted all the cobwebs of memories out of the corners.  Then I looked around and liked what I saw. All that is left in my heart is people and memories that make me happy. My friend calls this 'value added'.  There is no space in my heart for people that make me feel bad, people that aren't there for me, people that offer up guilt or fear or sorrow. The only people left in my heart add value to my life.

I have always been an advocate of decluttering, with cleaning closets, regular trips to donate to the thrift store, and throwing trash in the trash. It is important to me that there is space in my house and the more stuff you have to take care of, the less time you have to play. If you don't love it or use it every day, get rid of it. Yet I've never thought of applying that to thoughts and emotions and relationships. I've always held on to people, maintaining contact long after it is time to move on.  No more!

There is space in my heart now for people that love and value me. I am worth it. All those people that have walked away over the years, who haven't called or emailed or texted or visited, they aren't worth getting upset over. I've made space in my heart for the people that want to be a part of my life.  For anyone else, that doesn't have the time or interest...

I release you and give you to God with love.

Be happy.

F*ck'em All

I'm a good girl. I know it. I always do the right thing. I mail Christmas cards and thank you notes. I do the chores before I play. I volunteer. I'm mostly always on time. I hold my tongue when I'm irritated. I go to bed on time and get up early. I'm a good girl.

But lately I'm trying on a new attitude to see how it fits. I call it the "f*ckem all" attitude. I say it's a bad attitude but I'm not really sure that it is a bad thing.  I'm tired of doing the right thing all the time. I'm tired of holding my tongue.  I'm more interested in doing what I want, when I want. Is that wrong?

So it occurred to me that we are all doing exactly as we choose, every minute of every day. No way! you might exclaim, but hear me out... I got up early this morning and got my kids ready for school, made their lunches and drove them there. I choose to do this because I value clean, fed, happy children.  I choose to clean the kitty litter because I really don't like the smell of the nasties. I choose to scrub my bathroom toilet because I don't like sitting to pee on a toilet covered with little boy drips.

Are you with me? There are people that don't clean the toilet or the kitty litter. There are people who don't make lunch for their kids or brush their daughter's hair.  You may hate your job but I bet you like it better than being homeless and hungry.  I promise there are people who are homeless cause they didn't want to hold down a job. Every moment of life is a choice.

The difference is that now I'm choosing to please me. Does that mean I have a bad attitude? I think it just means that what you think isn't as important to me as what makes me happy. Is it wrong to pursue my dreams and my happiness with a single minded determination?  I don't think so. Wouldn't the world be a wonderful place if we all put down our guilt and our shame, left the shoulda,  woulda, coulda behind and did what we want. Take responsibility for our own happiness.  Acknowledge that what you are doing right now, you are doing because you chose too.

Often we do what we do because we don't like the consequences of doing different. If you don't go to work, you lose your job, then you lose your house, then your wife leaves you and takes the kids. Well that sucks, might as well go to work and avoid all the unpleasantness.  See, that's your choice.

So my choice is to say f*ck'em all and do what I want. It doesn't matter if you like it or not. I'm tired of doing the right things for the wrong reasons. I still do the right things sometimes cause I like to volunteer and I like clean toilets. That's just me. But more and more I do exactly what I want, when I want, how I want. I'm gonna take a day and go sailing. I'm gonna curl up in my hammock with a trashy romance.  I'm gonna go out dancing or stay home and go to bed early. Whatever!

What I'm not gonna do is worry about if I've hurt your feelings for doing what I want to do. I'm not gonna do the right thing because it will make someone else happy. I'm not gonna carry guilt or fear.  If you have a problem, well f*ck you,  f*ck'em all I say, cause that is your problem and I'm not carrying your problems any more.