Today I Wait

I have a warrior heart that can not be broken.  I tell myself over and over again.

Today I woke up and my faith was not bigger than my fear. Instead my fear was huge and overwhelming.

I held love in one hand, fear in the other. I looked back and forth and I didn't have the strength or the courage to choose love.

For the first time, I contemplated that the adventure might not be worth it. It's possible that loving might not be worth the heartbreak of losing.  It's even possible that I should cut my losses, close my heart and walk away.

I thought of getting angry and lashing out. I thought of saying mean things so someone else would hurt as much as I do. I thought of whining and feeling sorry for myself.

I didn't. 

Instead I took a deep breath and another one. I cried a few tears. I sat with with fear and with heartache.

And I wait. Because this will pass. Because eventually my faith will return stronger than ever. Because the adventure is always worth it.

I wait until I have the strength to choose love again.  I wait until I have the courage to open my heart, even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

Today I turn off my phone. I hug my littles.
I go to bed early with my puppy on my feet and I wait.

Because tomorrow I will hold love in one hand and fear in the other and I will have the strength and the courage to once again reach for love.