Letters to My Lover - I Need You

Relationships are the the most challenging part of our lives. They stretch us in ways that are difficult and uncomfortable. They also give all kinds of opportunities for growth. Over the last few years I've written a number of letters to my lover as we've progressed through the stages of our relationship. This is the second one. 


I need you.  I need this thing we share.

I don't need you to pay the bills or take out the trash. I don't need you to bring me flowers or take me out to dinner. I don't need you to laugh with me and make love to me.

All of those things are wonderful and I'm glad we are together to share the everydayness of all the little things. But I know that I could do it on my own. And I know that there are many that could step into those shoes if I went looking.

No, it's you that I need. You, pointing out my wounds, bringing my attention to the hidden scrapes and bruises. You, who infuriate me and makes me cry.

I'm past getting angry with you. Mostly.

I used to think I was whole and healthy. I used to think it was your fault for not loving me right, not communicating right.

Now I am grateful that you shows me these parts of my self that are slowly leaking poison into my mind and then overflowing into the rest of my life. If you hadn't said just the right thing I never would have known that that cesspool was there waiting to suck me in, suck me down.  There, I'm left floundering in my fears and negativity.

But this small part of me recognizes that you did nothing wrong, recognizes that I am not being reasonable, recognizes that this isn't truth.

I used to stay mired in the muck for days, crying, not talking to you, stewing in my mad. Now it's only moments before I can see clearly again. In those moments I sink into my own poisonous thoughts, I rage and I cry. I say terrible things about you in my mind. While there is a part of me watching and quietly smiling at the tantrums of a child.

No, it's isn't you. It is me. If you didn't show me my wounds I'd walk around every day thinking that I was whole and healed and enlightened. Instead I know that I am human and broken and no better than any one else.

But I am aware and I am healing.

I need you, not for your kisses, but for the wounds you inflect.

I need you, not to take out the trash but to show me where the poison has piled up in my thoughts.

I need you, not to make love to me, but to keep loving me when I am broken.

Because of you I see me more clearly.

Because of you I can look at those broken parts and see where I need healing.

Because of you I am a better me.

And so I need you.

Letters to My Lover - Giving Up

Relationships are the the most challenging part of our lives. They stretch us in ways that are difficult and uncomfortable. They also give all kinds of opportunities for growth. Over the last few years I've written a number of letters to my lover as we've progressed through the stages of our relationship. This is the first one. 



I remember the day we met. You were busy on the job and you ignored me. I walked away thinking 'What a jerk!'

But then months later I met you again. You were kind and sweet and funny. I found myself making up reasons to see you, to call you. You took off your sunglasses and I loved your beautiful blue eyes. I watched you with my children and admired your patience. I started to trust you with my secrets.

I remember sitting side by side on the stairs. I'll never forget that day, the moment, when you leaned over and kissed me. I knew you were nervous, unsure of how I would react. I kissed you back and so began the slow slide into love.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into years and here we are today. The song plays in my mind over and over again. "Say something I'm giving up on you. I'll be the one if you want me to. Anywhere I would have followed you. Say something I'm giving up on you." And the tears leak slowly out of my eyes and down my cheeks.

I reach for you over and over but can't quite touch you. I talk to you, I tell you I'm lonely. I tell you I need you. I ask you to turn off the TV and listen to me, look at me, touch me, make love to me. But you can't hear me.

Days go by as the gap between us widens. Until here we are in our bed, sleeping side by side, with the Grand Canyon between us.

We fight over little things, stupid things. I ask you what's wrong and you say nothing, then you turn up the TV a little louder. You kiss my forehead every day before you leave for work but I can't remember the last time you kissed me.

I remember the beginning so clearly, the passion, the excitement, the fun and I can't understand how we ended up here. I don't know what happened or when we lost touch with each other. I don't know how to reach you.

I'm witnessing the slow starvation of love. I'm not ready to leave you yet but I know I can't live like this. Every day, feeling invisible, ignored, alone.

Say something. I'm giving up on you.

Love Them Anyways

People are cruel. They are angry and bitter. They say and do hurtful things.  They are prejudiced. People are irritating and annoying. They are obnoxious, selfish and rude.

How do you do love them anyway?

So often it would be easier to shut people out, to close the doors of your heart against people and lock yourself safely inside.

That doesn't help you or them.

It's easier to do good for strangers, serve lunch at a soup kitchen, send money to the victims of an earthquake, foster a starving child in Africa.

Those are all kind and worthy actions. How much harder is it to volunteer in your child's school or to be kind to your own annoying neighbor?

How much harder is it to be patient with your obnoxious in laws, to forgive your ass of an ex husband?

Is it even possible to be polite and loving to your own parents when they tell you that you're doing it wrong or when they say I told you so?

This is where I struggle. Metta meditation is about extending love and peace first towards yourself and then towards those you love and then towards others and finally towards those whom you struggle with.

For me it is much easier to extend love and warm wishes towards the strangers of the world then the people I love. It is in the every day nitty gritty of living with people that they become unlovable. It is here that we see their wounds And where they touch our wounds.

I know I am a good, kind, loving, forgiving person. I know this, deep down, without a doubt, know. Yet the second someone says or does something mean to my child I turn into a raving lunatic prepared to drive a stake through their heart. I question their morals, and their wisdom and find them lacking.

I look at the games people play, at the drama and the lies. I watch the wounds they wallow in, like a pig in the mud, as if it is fun to be there and I judge them for their choices.

I know they are doing the best they can. I get that. But I shake my head and walk away. And I wonder how can I possibly extend love and patience and sympathy and encouragement when I really want to just smack them upside the head or shake some sense into them.

I bite my tongue. I complain in private to my family then I take a step back and laugh at myself for getting so worked up.

Perhaps the thing to remember is that I am just as human as they are. I am no better, no worse. I am at a different place right now, learning different things.

These people challenge me. They expand my comfort zone. They are showing me where I have work to do. Instead of closing my heart, I need to open it wider. Instead of finding these people lacking I need to look at where I am lacking and what I need to learn from them.

I have walked away from a lot of toxic people and relationships in my life. Sometimes that is possible. But not always. Sometimes you need to sit in the toxic swamps of life, breathe in the filth and stench of toxic air and toxic emotions and toxic conversations.

Sometimes it is only by breathing in the poison that you can see your wounds and find ways to heal them. It is here that you can find your strength, create your boundaries and learn your lessons.

You are here for a reason.  Exactly where you need to be to learn what you need to learn. Embrace it. And embrace those who have entered into this world with you to teach you those lessons.

I know it's hard but love them anyway.

My Wish for You

I see beauty all around me. I watch a bird dart between cars in a parking lot. I see a couple holding hands.  I hear a baby laugh. The play of light between the leaves of the tree. The sound of the waves at the ocean hitting the shore. The smell of something baking. A rainbow, a flower, a kitten.

Each time I smile and I think of you. Each time I want to turn to you and see if you notice it too. I store these little bits and pieces of beauty in my mind so I can tell you about them later. But you aren't there and I don't tell you.

While you're far away from me I hope that you find your own moments of beauty. I hope you pause and think of me when you see a sunset.

I hope you laugh with the sheer joy of being alive.

I hope you eat chocolate and savor every bite.

I hope you sit quietly with your morning cup of coffee and enjoy the silence.

I hope you hug your mother and breathe in the scents of your childhood.

Life is short. You are here to live fully, to enjoy your every experience. There is more to life than work and chores. There is fun and games. There is silence and there is bustle. There is hurry and there is pause. There is argue and there is laughter. There are tears of sorrow and of joy.

I hope you enjoy them all.

Every moment in life is a gift to you. Explore them all. It is for you to decide if you want more or less of those kinds of moments. Cherish them, each one of them, for they all offer you something valuable.

I hope you dance with a beautiful woman in your arms.

I hope you eat steak and drink a beer or two on a Saturday night.

I hope you watch a football game and leap out of your chair when your team scores.

I hope you weep at the sad parts of a movie.

I hope you swear at the guy that cuts you off on your drive to work.

Most of all, I hope you live. Live now, every moment of every day. Feel every emotion that life has to offer you. Be angry, be scared, be happy, be insecure. Feel love and feel the fear that goes along with it. Play in the rain. Sleep in now and then. Argue loudly. Cry passionately. Love wildly.

Whatever you choose to do, do it with all you are, and then move on with no regrets.

The Different Faces of Love ~Poem

The baby cries.

I rock her and sing a lullaby. 

I'd be happy to sit here forever, holding her. 

But she grows too fast. 

Soon she walks and then runs on her way without me. 

My boy laughs. 

I watch him from across the dinner table. 

I'd be happy to sit here forever, listening to his stories. 

But he moves too fast. 

Soon he heads back to college and all I hear is silence.

My guy tells me about his day. 

I sit on the steps pressed thigh to thigh.

I'd be happy to sit here forever, leaning against his shoulder. 

But life moves too fast.

Soon he is off to do chores and so am I. 

My daddy lies in a hospital bed.

The lights are dim and the room is quiet. 

I'd be happy to sit here forever, holding his hand. 

But time moves too fast. 

Soon his breath slips away and I am left to grieve. 

My mind is full

Of the different faces of love. 

I'd be happy to sit here forever, holding them in my heart.
But memories move too fast.