Whispers in my Ear

Dinner was done, the kitchen was clean, my littles were in their pajamas and playing quietly. This is when I found myself curled up in my bed with the covers pulled over my head.

Sit with your emotions, I could hear the voice of Margaret, my meditation teacher. It isn't necessary to understand them, just be with them, accept them. So I did nothing. I lay curled up in my bed. I felt the clawing fear in my gut, the churning of un-voiced emotions. I felt the tears leaking out of my eyes and leaving a trail down my cheeks.

More than anything I wanted my guy to come home and find me, to distract me from my fears, my pain, my wounds. Eventually he did, but not soon enough. I had too much time to wrestle with my demons on my own in the quiet of my bedroom. Fear! Fear that grabs you and holds you frozen in its grip. Fear that eats at your soul like a cancer. Fear that turns a strong capable women into a weak and whimpering shell.

This fear whispers in my ear, who do you think you are? And snickers at my hopes and dreams. The constant refrain "you're not good enough" over and over and over...different words, same tune. You will fail. You'll never get it right. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You'll never succeed. You're just not good enough.

In a few more days I will have finished my last class. I will be a college graduate. I know I'm a good student. Class after class with a final grade of 100%. This I can do. But now it is time to embark on a new phase. I have a dream. It's a good one and very well planned out. The yoga studio is under construction. The marketing material is ready, the website is built. There is no reason I can't succeed. But that voice keeps whispering in my ear...

Who do you think you are? Do you really think people will like you enough to come to your yoga classes? What makes you think you have what it takes to be a healer? You think people will trust you with their fears, their wounds? You've made a mess of your own life and you think you can help others?

The whispers come with mocking laughter and I hide my head under the blankets and cry.

Fear and doubts and insecurities are not rational. I know that. This is not my truth. These are the lies that my ego feeds me. These fears do not guide me. I recognize them and then step towards them. Never again will I not do something because it scares me. This is my new truth.

Eventually I get out of bed and blow my nose.  I read stories and I kiss my littles and tuck them into bed. Finally, my day ends and I go back to bed. That voice continues to whisper in my ear and I fall asleep with the tears leaking out of my eyes.

Morning meditation comes with the sunrise and while I sit in silence, these words pop into mind... I am worthy.

Yes, yes I am. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of success. I am worthy of financial abundance. I am worthy of deep and lasting friendships. I am worthy of peace and joy.



In the silence of the sunrise this new voice speaks to me and the whisperer is silent.