I Have a Dream

I have a dream that one day all of God's children black man or white, Jew or Gentile, Protestant or Catholic will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old negro spiritual "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty we are free at last."

Those words from Martin Luther King Jr began a speech I presented in high school.  It wasn't about black equality or religious freedom. It was about the power of  a dream. A dream held close to the heart that burns in your soul, shapes your thoughts and guides your actions.  I chased that high school dream with a single minded determination until I achieved what I wanted.

It's been many, many years since high school and probably that long since I had a dream that burned so brightly in my soul. Part of that long ago speech stated that to live a life without a dream was to live without a purpose, an empty life. Yes my life was pretty empty and without purpose. Yet a few years ago something changed...

It started with a thought, a barely formed idea. I tucked it into the back of my mind and left it there to percolate like an old fashioned coffee pot.  Another thought, another idea, something I saw, something I read, something someone might have said, I just kept tucking them away and allowed time to bubble and brew and move those thoughts around.

Eventually a vision began to take shape in my mind.  It became clearer and clearer until the picture formed and I could close my eyes and see it.

Journey to Peace Yoga and Wellness

I stand in this 100 year old barn with the walls rough framed and the wiring half done and I don't see the cobwebs and the squirrel nests. I don't see the scars in the floor and the cracks in the window panes. Instead I see something beautiful.

I close my eyes and I can see the mural on the wall and the labyrinth on the floor. In my mind I can walk through the rooms. I can see the books on the library shelves and the boutique full of New Hampshire made crafts. In my imagination I have welcomed so many people and taught class after class, Laughter Yoga, Restorative Yoga, Yoga and Acupressure...



This is my place, my dream, where people can come to find themselves, to celebrate their authenticity. This is a place to slow down, to reconnect with yourself, your soul, your Source and your dreams.

Perhaps what Martin Luther King Jr dreamed of and what I dream of is not so very different.  He dreamed of a world where people could come together regardless of race, religion or nationality and accept each other as equals. I dream of a place where people can come together regardless of race, religion, nationality, gender, sexual preference and economic status and be free to be their true authentic self.  I would love it if we could all be free to express ourselves, free to celebrate our uniqueness,  free to explore our wounds, free to face our fears and mostly, free to chase our dreams.

Whispers in my Ear

Dinner was done, the kitchen was clean, my littles were in their pajamas and playing quietly. This is when I found myself curled up in my bed with the covers pulled over my head.

Sit with your emotions, I could hear the voice of Margaret, my meditation teacher. It isn't necessary to understand them, just be with them, accept them. So I did nothing. I lay curled up in my bed. I felt the clawing fear in my gut, the churning of un-voiced emotions. I felt the tears leaking out of my eyes and leaving a trail down my cheeks.

More than anything I wanted my guy to come home and find me, to distract me from my fears, my pain, my wounds. Eventually he did, but not soon enough. I had too much time to wrestle with my demons on my own in the quiet of my bedroom. Fear! Fear that grabs you and holds you frozen in its grip. Fear that eats at your soul like a cancer. Fear that turns a strong capable women into a weak and whimpering shell.

This fear whispers in my ear, who do you think you are? And snickers at my hopes and dreams. The constant refrain "you're not good enough" over and over and over...different words, same tune. You will fail. You'll never get it right. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. You'll never succeed. You're just not good enough.

In a few more days I will have finished my last class. I will be a college graduate. I know I'm a good student. Class after class with a final grade of 100%. This I can do. But now it is time to embark on a new phase. I have a dream. It's a good one and very well planned out. The yoga studio is under construction. The marketing material is ready, the website is built. There is no reason I can't succeed. But that voice keeps whispering in my ear...

Who do you think you are? Do you really think people will like you enough to come to your yoga classes? What makes you think you have what it takes to be a healer? You think people will trust you with their fears, their wounds? You've made a mess of your own life and you think you can help others?

The whispers come with mocking laughter and I hide my head under the blankets and cry.

Fear and doubts and insecurities are not rational. I know that. This is not my truth. These are the lies that my ego feeds me. These fears do not guide me. I recognize them and then step towards them. Never again will I not do something because it scares me. This is my new truth.

Eventually I get out of bed and blow my nose.  I read stories and I kiss my littles and tuck them into bed. Finally, my day ends and I go back to bed. That voice continues to whisper in my ear and I fall asleep with the tears leaking out of my eyes.

Morning meditation comes with the sunrise and while I sit in silence, these words pop into mind... I am worthy.

Yes, yes I am. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of success. I am worthy of financial abundance. I am worthy of deep and lasting friendships. I am worthy of peace and joy.



In the silence of the sunrise this new voice speaks to me and the whisperer is silent.

Missed Opportunities

My heart hurts.... It aches for missed opportunities.

How many times do people choose the easy path?

How many times do people choose to do the "right" thing?

How many times do people choose the path without complications?


Not me, my path is messy and full of drama and complications.  There is no right or wrong choice, only my choice.  I made the choice to live with an open heart, to explore whatever my Source puts in front of me.  Sometimes it hurts.  Most of the time it is not easy.  Some days I'm afraid or lonely.  But every time, I choose to step into my fear.

Over and over again I meet people who, because of fear, because they are just not capable of opening their heart, reject the messy unpredictability of life.  It is safer to stay home then embrace the unknown.  It is safer to keep your feet on the ground, then to fly.  It is safer to be alone then to love.


There are always excuses... it isn't the right time or the right place or the right person.  The situation isn't right, there is the possibility of getting hurt.  There are what if's?  But I would rather discover the what if today, then live with the I should have... or I could have...

Sixteen years ago I met a man, we liked each other, a lot.  But I had children and he had been abused as a child so he was never going to be a father.  His fear and his wounds were greater than his love.  I've never forgotten him or the lessons I learned from him.  He was bound by his childhood wounds.  Parents beat their children.  He would never be a parent because he didn't want to beat a child.  He couldn't even contemplate a different way.  Yet my parents beat me and I've never once beat my children.  No, there were no wooden spoons or hair brushes broken over their backsides.  I never used a hot wheel track to whip them.  I found my own way, a messy, complicated way that is full of love and rewards.

A few years ago, after getting divorced, I met another man.  We went on a date, he kissed me.  He started calling every night, he asked me out for a second date, then fear got the best of him.  He hadn't dated since high school.  His wife had divorced him.  He was no good at relationships and he didn't even want to try.  He created his own reality of fear and loneliness.  He closed his heart to me and what could have been.  I moved on, always wondering what might have been and if he ever found a way to let his love be greater than his fear.

This story repeats over and over and over.  A woman who is too afraid of what her life will be like so she doesn't leave her husband and instead chooses to live in unhappiness.  Another woman who thinks that no one will ever love her so she stays while her husband has an affair and mistreats her.  A child who is so downtrodden that they won't even swing when they're up to bat or try something new or speak their truth.

 This makes me appreciate those people I meet who embrace their fear and step into their authentic self.  Perhaps a woman gives her phone number to a man she meets or a child zip lines out of the window of the barn.  Each time, they acknowledge their fear, they recognize the discomfort and they do it anyway.

When I met my guy, he was afraid, he didn't want to be involved with a woman who had the responsibility of seven children.  But when it came right down to choosing between love and fear, he chose love for me over fear of responsibility.  I admire that about him.

My best friend lives her life without apologies.  I may not understand or agree with her choices, I may not parent the same way she does.  We make different choices about our priorities and our lifestyles.  But I deeply admire her ability to be her most authentic self, regardless of other people's judgments.  She inspires me.

Sometimes life is messy.  Sometimes  life is complicated.  Sometimes life is even painful.  But the wonders and joy of living fully make up for the messy times. The fun and excitement make up for the complications. The abundance of love in my life make up for the painful times.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  When I recognize that someone is closing their heart and taking the easy path, my heart aches for the missed opportunities, but I'm forever grateful for the reminder to keep my heart open, to experience all that life has to offer, to love fully and deeply.  Life is too short to worry about the messes and the drama and the hurts.  I'm busy filling up on the adventures and the fun and the joy.

Finding Beauty in This Moment

I don't set an alarm, ever, but I'm always awake by 6 am anyways. I hit the ground running, shower and dressed, kids up, dressed and fed, lunches made, papers signed, bags packed. Feed the dog, start the laundry, don't forget to brush your teeth... The list goes on and on. Kids to school,  work, laundry, house cleaning one kid has an appointment at the orthodontist,  another appointment at school, the dentist, the eye doctor,  the grocery shopping, pick up kids from school, check the chickens for eggs, clean out your lunch boxes, who has homework? Clean the bathroom,  flip the laundry, what's for dinner?

Finally, my littles go to bed. But it doesn't end. Clean the kitchen, fold the laundry, do my school work, start the dishwasher,  feed the cats, clean the litter box.  Eventually I can fall in to bed, exhausted. This is the American dream?  This is my life.

But is this all there is? Why do we run all day? What is the point to this rat race? Is there some personal satisfaction from this? Or is it a routine that gets done because that is what is expected?  I don't have the answers. I do what must be done to take care of my children and my home. What I do know is that in the daily routines of living there is beauty to be found.

Before I leave my bed in the morning I lay perfectly still and savour the feel of my cats on my feet. When I meditate my cat comes and rubs against me and purrs.  On the way to the shower I look out the window and smile at the sunlight reflecting on the river. I wake up my girl with a song and hugs and kisses.  We share a little snuggle. I turn the music on, loud, and we dance and sing together. While I'm driving here and there I see a beautiful flowering Northern Catalpa tree. I notice the great blue heron in the water and the little tiny birds in the parking lot of the store.  I pause to check out a dragonfly.  I stop at the deli and Bob, the deli guy, gives me a hug and a kiss.


There is beauty to be found in every moment if you can just open your eyes to see. It is in the world around us the trees, the flowers, the birds, the animals. But also in the people, a newborn baby, a parent tending to their child with loving patience, a woman helping her elderly mother, the twinkle in an eye, the smile on a face, the touch of a hand.




Our problem is not that the beauty is not there, our problem is that our eyes are closed to the beauty that surrounds us. We all have the choice to open our eyes and see or  to walk through our days with blinders on. I know I have somewhere to be and something to do but this moment, right here, right now, has something valuable to offer me. I might find it in your smile. I might find it in the feel of the breeze against my skin. I might find it in the sweet taste of the strawberry in my mouth. I might find it in the glory of the sunrise. One thing is for sure, I won't find it if I don't first pause and look for it. I won't find it if I rush blindly from one chore to the next,  one place to the next.


Some day my littles will be grown and gone. My chore list will dwindle. The piles of dirty laundry and dirty dishes will disappear.  The endless rounds of appointments and sport practices and piano lessons will cease. No more little voices will be wondering "what's for dinner Mom?" And then where will I be?

I don't know what that long distance future will hold. But I know that this moment, as I sit at the edge of the water listening to children play and splash, I feel the water lapping against my feet, the breeze blowing my hair in my face, the sun warm on my skin...I see beauty all around me and I cherish this moment.