Death Day

Dec 17, 11:21 pm

I don't want to turn the light off and sleep. I don't want it to be tomorrow.  I don't want to feel the grief of the death day. 

I turn the light off anyway. 

Dec 18, 5:08 am

Suddenly awake, still dark, too early.  I don't want to be in this day. Not yet. I turn on meditation music and close my eyes. 

6:29 am

I get a message from my friend. She is eating cake today. She never forgets. She is with me in spirit. 

6:30 am

The best cat in the world stretches out on my chest and begins to purr. I am not alone. 

7:03 am

A warm body crawls into my bed and snuggles with me. Comfort, not tears. I've never started death day like this before. 

7:42 am 

I see a Facebook post from my friend. Her baby turns one today. A year ago I resented her for having such joy on the death day, for holding her boy when I will never hold mine ago. Today I wonder if I can hold both, my sorrow and her joy. Possibly. 

8:17 am 

I get in the shower and sob. Hot water washes away my tears while happy music plays. 

9:02 am

I am sitting cross legged in my bed, sharing cake for breakfast. I ask him why did he offer to eat cake with me and he replies "You shouldn't have to do this alone." I cry and eat cake. With company. 

9:19 am

A message from a friend. Her son died too. I know she grieves, with me and for me. I hate that she is in this with me. But her message makes me feel seen, not alone in my grief. 

10:00 am

I am wrapped up in a hug. The same person, every year on death day. This is my ritual, to spend the morning with her. I feel her love. 

3:13 pm

Walking with my feet in the water, icy cold toes, sea glass and pretty rocks. Zac is here, in the Atlantic Ocean, with me.

3:25 pm

Wrapped in a blanket, starting to warm up, the sun hits my face through the windshield. I close my eyes and take a breath. It feels peaceful.  

4:30

Eating pizza, I am exhausted.  I don't have anything left. I want to go home and curl up and cry. No more adventures today. 

6:59 pm

I watch the time ticking closer to the moment, seven years ago, when life ended. I feel like I should be crying, wailing, ripping my hair out. I hold myself so tightly and I am held. Not alone. 

7:15 pm

Two big boys home with me. Make pizza. Turn on a movie to watch the fighting, shooting and saving the world. Noise, talking, laughter. 

10:46 pm

Still not alone, tucked into bed with dogs and cats on and around me. Comfort comes in doggy snores and kitty purrs. 

11:01 pm

Turn the light off. Close my eyes.  Death day comes to an end. Today there were pockets of grief and pockets of peace. Today there were tears and there was laughter. Today there was comfort. Today I was hugged and held.  Today I was not alone. 

There has never been a death day like this before. 

i don't want to

i don't want to be brave anymore

i don't want to get out of bed

i don't want to put on pants

i don't want to go to work 

i don't want to be scared anymore

i don't want to drive in snow storms 

i don't want to drive by the death spot

i don't want to see death in oncoming headlights

i don't want to be angry anymore

i don't want to hate the world for turning

i don't want resent all the people who celebrate 

i don't want to hear the voices screaming in my head

i don't want to grieve anymore

i don't want to cry

i don't want to miss him 

i don't want to talk about it

i am so tired

sobbing

curled up in a ball

rocking

seven years later it is not better

seven years later I am still shattered

seven years later it still swallows me whole and leaves me gasping for breath

when does it end

when does it ease

when is there peace 

i don't want to endure anymore

it's just too much

All I Wanted

All I wanted was to be loved

I wanted to be good enough
I wanted to be chosen

I wanted to be held
I wanted arms wrapped around me at night
I wanted my head on a should and a heart beating under my ear

I wanted a safe space to be me

I wanted to be authentic
I wanted to be vulnerable

I wanted a shared future

I wanted shared values
I wanted shared homes, families, traditions

I wanted a playmate

I wanted adventures

I wanted laughter

I wanted to feel seen and heard and valued

I wanted to feel good enough

I wanted to feel worthy

I wanted magic

I wanted peace, hope and joy

I wanted a haven, a safe place to land 

All I wanted was today
Not someday
Not eventually

But today

I wanted a home for my heart

Don't Tell Me That I Shine

Don't tell me that I'm beautiful. Tell me the sound of my laughter makes you want to laugh too. Tell me the way my eyes crinkle when I smile makes your heart soften. Tell me the curve of my shoulder is tantalizing. 

Don't tell me I'm a good person. Tell me that my passion for my work inspires you. Tell me that the way I rescue strangers and kittens gives you hope. Tell me that my soft heart makes you want to hold me close and my stubborn pride fills you with awe. 

Don't tell me that you're mad at me. Tell me that my careless words infuriate you. Tell me that my selfishness makes you feel lonely.  Tell me that my frivolousness frustrates you and when I am distracted you feel unheard. 

Don't tell me that you want me.  Tell me that the scent of me makes you long to hold me close. Tell me that the curve of my ass incites lust. Tell me that curls gone wild makes you feel wild about me and you can't wait to feel my skin against yours.

Don't tell me that you love me. Tell me that when I dance in the kitchen and sing in the shower the world feels brighter. Tell me that my thirst for adventure brings excitement to your soul. Tell me that you can see forever with me sitting across the room from you. 

Don't tell me that you'll fight for me. Tell me that I provoke introspection. Tell me that being with me makes you want to be a better man. Tell me that I matter to you. Tell me that I am worthy and that you want to share your life with me. 

Don't you fucking tell me that I shine. Don't tell me that you're attracted to my light, my goodness, my heart. Tell me that you love the way I show up for people. Tell me you admire how I hold people safe when they are falling apart. Tell me my ability to find magic in the world encourages you to look for magic as well. Tell me that you watch the way I walk the razors edge with wonder. Tell me that the way I find light in the darkness feels miraculous. Tell me that the depth and passion of my emotions takes your breath away. 

Don't tell me that you love me. Tell me that you choose me, every day, in every way.

 

You are stunning.  The look the you send me from across the room, saying everything without saying a word, captivates me.  It reminds me that I have a soul, and that you have touched it.  

 

Your passion for others is inspiring.  It spurs me to do better, and be better, so that I can keep up.  It pushes me to remember my own compassion for others, especially when I am feeling hopeless and angry.  

 

I do want you.  I want to hold you at night.  I want snuggles, and kisses, and spooning.  I want to dance with you.  I want to bake with you.  I want to share myself with you.  I want to touch every inch of you.  I  want to be naked with you, sleep with you, and to love you.  I want to tangle my fingers in your curls, and be so close I can’t tell where I end and you begin.

 

Being with you makes me want to be a better man. It makes me want to engage with myself, discover myself, and discover you.  I look forward to spending the rest of forever with you.  

 

You make my life better.  I look forward to ending the day with you, and wrapping you in my arms.  I look forward to comforting you while you comfort me.  I am excited to build traditions, share experiences, and go on adventures with you. 

I love you.  So much.

 

I am attracted to the way you are and the way you are exist.  I am attracted to your laugh, your smile, your curls, your body.  I am drawn to your shape, your embrace, and your voice. 

I admire your ability to reflect, to comfort, and to be with me.

 

I choose you.  I choose to be with you.  I choose to enjoy you. 

All of you. Every day.

Don't Settle

The one thing I wish for you is this, 

Don't settle for a mediocre love. 

Don't stay because you don't think you can't do better. 

Don't stay because you're afraid to be alone. 

Don't accept anything less than a home for your heart.

It's okay to enjoy your mediocre life. 

It's okay to live on a budget.

It's okay if your home is modest.

It's okay if you don't want fame and fortune. 

But it's not okay to settle for a mediocre love.

When you pick your person, make sure you are both all in. 

Life will throw you some challenges, 

Make sure that you want to do the hard stuff with them.

Make sure they will lean in, have hard conversations. 

Make sure they will fight with you and for you. 

Make sure that neither of you are settling for a mediocre love.

 

You deserve to be loved, fully and deeply. 

You deserve to be seen and heard and valued. 

You deserve to feel safe and wanted. 

You deserve someone who accepts you exactly as you are. 

You deserve so much more than a mediocre love. 

You deserve a home for your heart. 

Don't settle for anything less. 

Bit by Bit

Bit by bit it's getting brighter
Bit by bit it's getting lighter
Bit by bit the storm clouds clear
Bit by bit the heartbreak heals

Bit by bit I'm getting stronger
Bit by by I'm feeling braver
Bit by bit the magic grows

Bit by bit I start to play
Bit by bit I start to hope
Bit by bit I stop the tears
Bit by bit I lose my fears
Bit by bit I start to dream
Bit by bit I find some peace
Bit by bit the magic grows

No longer crying 
No longer drowning 
No longer fighting to catch my breath 
No longer lost
No longer searching 
No longer alone in the depths
Bit by bit the magic grows

Tiny beautiful moments
That were there all along
Steaming tea and falling leaves
Soft sweaters and sunsets
Hugs and heartbeats
Bit by bit the magic grows

Tiny beautiful moments 
That fill up my heart 
Music played loud and singing along 
Blustery days and wind in my hair
Curly haired dogs snuggled up close
Family and friends
Laughter and love

Bit by bit the magic grows 
Bit by by my heart heals
Finally, I am content

Welcome to The Club

 Welcome to the club you never wanted to join. 

You have been chosen, through no fault of your own, to become one of us. One of those who have lost a child. 

Every single one of us wishes we were not one of the chosen ones, but here we are. This is not something we can control. One day we wake up, just like everyone else and before we fall asleep that night, we are permanently changed. We have joined the club. 

I wish I didn't have to greet you. I wish I could spare you what is to come. I wish it could look different for you. 

I do not know what happened to bring you to us and I can not tell you what your membership will look like. I can only give you some guidelines.

The first thing is it's okay to not be okay. There may be days when you fall to the floor in the shower sobbing and unable to move. That's okay. There may be days when you stay curled in your bed. That's okay. You may eat too much, or not at all. You may sleep too much, or not at all. You may cry out loud, gut wrenching sobs. Or you may weep silent tears. Or you may be numb, unable to feel anything. All of it is okay. 

The world will keep turning, without your child, and it will drag you along with it. The sun will rise. There will be new births. There will be birthday parties and graduations and weddings and your child will not be there. You are allowed to honour them in any way you see fit at all these events.  You may hate the world for moving on. You may feel like the world has forgotten them. You will not forget them, not for an instant. 

If you need to clean out their bedroom right away, that's okay. If you need to leave it untouched, as a shrine, that's okay too. If you need to leave their boots sitting by their door, do that. If you need to keep their favourite cereal in the cupboard and eat it when you are feeling especially sad, do that. If you need to sleep with their ashes, wear their favourite sweater, keep their hairbrush in your car or take their pictures off the wall, do that. Do whatever you need to, so that you can make it through today. 

I'm sorry to tell you that people may say stupid things. They may tell you they know how you feel, because their cat died last year. No one, at all, knows how you feel. There are plenty of people in the club whose child died in a similar fashion and not one of them can presume to know how you feel. You are the only one who baked and birthed, loved and raised that child in the way you did. All kinds of dreadful things may trickle out of people's mouths. It's okay to burn bridges. It's okay to tell them to fuck off. Someday you may forgive them, or not. The people who love you will forgive you. 

Your brain may forget how to work. You are carrying something so huge and so heavy that normal mundane things get lost. You may forget where you are supposed to be or what you were doing or the words you need. All of it is okay. Make lists, use a calendar, ask for help. It's okay to drop balls, to show up late, to cancel events, to not show up at all. It's okay to go to bed early. It's really, extra okay, to let the phone ring. Don't take the call, don't answer the text. 

Eventually, people will stop saying your child's name. They will stop talking about him or her. It will feel like everyone has forgotten. I don't know why they do this. Perhaps they think they are protecting you from grief. But you will always be thinking of your child. In fact it may feel like no one cares, because no one is talking. Find your safe people and talk about you child. Share favourite memories or jokes. Tell your people that you miss your baby and wish they were here. 

One day, it may surprise you when you laugh again. You may feel guilt for feeling joy when your child is dead. It's okay to be okay. It's okay to have fun, to love, to be grateful. The world lost something wondrous when your child died, but there are so many really wonderful things still here. You won't always be able to see them, but when you can, it's okay to enjoy them. Create a collection of tiny beautiful things that make life worth living, even though your heart is broken wide open. 

I am sorry to tell you that it doesn't get easier, not really. Your life will grow around the grief. You will create a new normal. It will seem like you have healed. But then there will be days when you will hear a voice, or see a picture. There will be days when you will reach for them and you will remember all over again that they are gone from you. You will meet people, make friends with people, who have no idea that your child once existed. You will not ever love them less. You will not ever stop counting the days, months, years that pass. You will find your own way to survive the worst pain imaginable. 

I am sorry you are here in this club with me. I cannot make it better for you. But I can sit in the dark with you. I can cry with you. I can eat cake with you on your child's birthday. I can say their name. I can lend you my strength. And I can believe in you. 

A Fleeting Glimpse of Magic

I played with the moon tonight

driving home, in the dark

there it was, shining so bright

sitting just above the treetops

full and round

slowly it slid away into the trees

here 

and then 

gone

peeking out at me from around a corner

hanging about the river

Where will I see it next?

a moment of enchantment

lips turn up at the edges

eyes crinkle in a smile

a fleeting glimpse of magic

and then 

life hits hard and fast. 

shaken by sobs

tears on my cheeks

head in hands

folding in on myself

falling apart

a fleeting surrender to pain

and then 

gathering up the pieces

putting myself back together again

swallowing emotions

packing away hurt

being responsible

doing the right thing

a fleeting show of strength

and then 

soft music

a flickering candle

warm tea

curled under a blanket

with an aching heart

and a purring cat

holding myself so gently

In Bed at Night

In bed at night I worry about your kid.  

I wonder if anyone hugged them today.  Did you tell them you loved them? 

I wonder if they had enough food to eat.  Did they come home to an empty house? 

I wonder if they hid from you and cut themselves. Are they bleeding, while you watch TV downstairs?

I wonder if they are lying awake contemplating suicide. Are they crying in bed?

I wonder if you know about the nightmares and how they stare into the dark. 

I wonder if you know about the failing grades and how worried they are to disappoint you.  

I wonder if you know how lonely they are, and how they feel like no one understands. 

I wonder if you know about the boy they like and how he pressures them to have sex. 

In bed at night I say a prayer for your kid. I ask God to hold them safe and to help me reach them. 

In bed at night I say a prayer for me.  I ask God to give me strength to show up for your kid.  

In the light of day I give them snacks.  

I talk to them about their grades.  

I tell them not to text and drive. 

I listen to them talk about suicide and cutting.

I hear about nightmares.  

I hear about the boys they like. 

I talk to them about safe sex.  

I hear about you. 

I hear about their hope and dreams.

  

I hear about their hurts and fears.  

I hug them and send them back into the world.  

In bed at night I cry for your kid.  

In bed at night I worry about your kid and I know that I have done all I can. 

Missing Magic

Sometimes it seems like all is lost. The magic is gone. There is nothing left, no reason to go on. 

Sometimes it seems like you keep fighting to get Sisyphus' boulder to the top of the mountain and it inevitably rolls back down again. 

Perhaps it feels like you are wandering in Snow White's Dark Forest and you aren't sure if you will find your way out, or even survive. 

Maybe you feel like you've been swept up in Dorothy's tornado and you've landed in world where nothing makes sense. 

You can do everything right, and it still goes all wrong. 

Perhaps the magic is not found in the sunrise or the moonlight. Perhaps you won't see it in rainbows and butterflies, flowers and dewdrops. 

Sometimes a baby's laugh or a purring kitten are just there. Sometimes all the love in the world still leaves you feeling empty and alone. 

But still... 

You push the boulder up the hill. 

You navigate the terrors of an unknown forest.

You follow the path in front of you, without knowing where it leads.  

You get out of bed, every day. 

You go to work. 

You feed your family. 

You sweep the floors. 

Maybe the magic isn't found in fairy dust or shooting stars. 

Maybe magic doesn't live in dandelion wishes.

Maybe it is found in the strength to push that boulder up the hill one more time. 

Maybe it is found in the courage to navigate the dark of the forest. 

Maybe it is found in putting one foot in front of the other, when you have no idea where you are going. 

Maybe magic is found in the resilience of the human spirit. 

Maybe magic is found in facing our fears. 

Maybe magic is found in doing the hard work. 

Maybe magic is found in the darkest of places. 

Maybe magic isn't missing, we just couldn't see it through our tears. 

Self Talk

I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart

Do people who've been stabbed in the heart feel immense pain or do they feel nothing? 

Some people compartmentalize and contain their emotions. 

Does that mean they feel less?

I don't, I cry out loud, tears constantly coating my cheeks. 

Does that mean I feel too much? 

I feel like I've failed in every way. 

Is this just my wound speaking?

I have completely given up on fairy tales and magic.  

Wasn't I such a naive little thing always believing the best of people? 

The world is a dark and lonely place.  

Is it my fault for giving up on it? 

I am not talking about it, to anyone. 

Who really cares enough to listen?

I'm sure people would say I  have resources, reasons to go on. 

Do we ever know how someone else feels? 

But I've made myself a promise that I don't have to live like this. 

Do I have any other choice? 

Maybe I can finally find peace. 

Things will work out exactly as they are supposed to. 

You Are A Goddess

You are a freakin goddess disguised as a mortal. 

You are out there chasing magic, looking for it in rainbows and butterflies, love songs and sunsets. 

Searching for love and joy. 

I'm here to to tell you, you don't need to chase magic, you are magic. 

You hung the sun and moon in the sky.

You gave the song birds voice and the dragonfly wings. 

You bring the flowers to bloom and paint the leaves on the trees. 

Anything you can conceive you can create. Miracles and magic are your birthright. 

It's time to stop playing small. 

Stop trying to please others. 

Step into your power. 

Stand tall and feel the star dust flowing through your veins. 

No more anxiety.

No more apologies.

Feel your connection with the Universe. 

There is nothing you cannot do. 

You are a Goddess.

Pure potentiality. 

Maker of miracles.

Creator of magic.

Unadulterated love. 

Know your worth. 

Own it. 

Enjoy it. 

For you are a Goddess. 

No Matter What

I know I'm a lot. Big emotions all over the place.  

I know I ask too much. I cry too much. I feel too much. 

I know I storm when I hurt, letting all the upset out. 

Sometimes I say things I don't mean. Sometimes I say things I mean, but I only mean them for a moment. 

Sometimes when I hurt, I say things meant to hurt. 

I know I have wounds that chew me up inside. 

I know I'm anxious and insecure. 

I know I'm sacred all the time. 

Sometimes hurt makes me lash out. 

Sometimes it makes me shut down. 

Sometimes it makes me run. 

I know I don't want to give up, on you or on me. 

I know it's not easy. 

I know there is always more work to be done.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I go to far. 

Sometimes I'm afraid that you won't forgive me. 

Sometimes when I run I'm afraid you don't want me to come back. 

I know that you are my safe space. 

I know that we are better together.

I know that I will always love you. 

No matter what. 

My Soul is Weary

Deep within, my soul is weary.

Trying so hard to believe in something.  

Searching for strength. 

Failing to find faith in something more. 

Rapists, pedophiles and babies in cages.

Over worked, overwhelmed and under paid.

On the floor, skin pressed against cold porcelain. 

Too weak to lift my head. 

Saying a prayer. 

Searching for strength. 

Heartache, loss, broken promises.

Endure more, forgive more, love more.

Sleepless in the dark of night.

Curled in a ball. 

Crying silent tears. 

Trying so hard to believe in something more. 

Is there a God in this world of darkness and pain,

Where fathers rape their daughters 

And mothers sell their sons for a substance? 

Is there a God in this world of grief and loss, 

Where son's die alone

And lovers abandon us? 

Trying every day and failing to find faith in something more.

Walking through a world without magic.

With nothing left to give. 

Exhausted.  Discouraged. Sad. Lonely. 

My soul is weary and I don't want to go on. 

An Open Letter to All the Squashers of Dreams

Who are you to define me? You don't even know me. You sit in your comfort zone and suggest I be practical, or think things through. You tell me that I should consider the ramifications. You wonder if my family support me in my wild and fanciful notions. You tell me to play it safe, be small, don't make waves. 

You have no idea who I am or the power that runs through my veins. 

You have no idea what I have overcome or the courage that burns in my heart.

You have no idea what inspires me or the strength the propels me forward. 

You have no idea. So let me tell you.

I am a fucking Godess. 

I have swum in the depths of despair and climbed mountains that you could not even fathom.

I have been buffeted by the storms. I have drowned in the deep. And I have come back to soar to the heights. 

I have tamed demons with love, compassion and kindness. 

I have a warrior heart that cannot be broken and I will not play small. Not for you. Not for anyone. 

I will accomplish my dreams. 

I will leap wholeheartedly into new adventures.

I will embrace the challenges put in front of me. 

I will step forward into whatever life offers me, with faith bigger than my fear. 

I will choose love over and over and over again. 

And if that makes you feel inferior, go do your own work, grow, heal, find your own power and stop trying to squash mine. 

Because I am awesome and no one should be telling me to hide my light. 

I may not know where this path will take me, or who will walk alongside me,but I know that I will follow my dreams and have a grand adventure.