Every Time

Every time.

Every fucking time. 

I drive by the death spot and there is an accident there. 

Emergency vehicles. 

Traffic stopped. 

Wreckage on the roadway.

Every time I catch my breath. 

Every time I start to cry. 

Every time I look to make sure there are survivors on the side of the road. 

This moment hijacks my body. 

I have no control. 

I can't make it stop. 

It starts with tears. 

Then I start to heave. 

Five years have gone by. 

Five years of driving by the same spot.

Every day. 

Every time I think of him. 

Every time I put my palm against the car window.

Every time I tell him that I love him. 

His death lives in me. Every moment of every day. 

Mostly it lives in memories of love. 

It lives in his smile when I close my eyes. 

It lives in a profound gratitude that I had 23 years with him. 

But then I drive by the death spot and there is another car accident there. 

Every fucking time. 

Then his death lives in me. 

In a physical, visceral way. 

In sobs. Tears streaking down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. 

In heaving and retching. A hand pressed to my mouth. 

In gasping for breath. 

In a deep, aching loneliness. 

Every fucking time. 

I can say that love never dies. 

I can say that Zac is, just not here. 

I can say that I believe in eternity. 

But every fucking time I lose myself. 

Intellect fails and my body reacts. 

He is gone, snatched from me in an instant. 

Devastating loss. 

Overwhelming loneliness. 

An abiding grief. 

Every time it takes hours to recover. 

Tucked into bed in my favourite sweatshirt. 

Arms wrapped around my middle. 

Tears continue to leak from my eyes. 

Zac is not coming home again. 

Zac is dead. 

Too Late

I told you I was broken.  

I told you I was scared. 

I told you I was emotional. 

But it was already too late for you.  

You loved me from the moment you met me.

I told you I would hurt you. 

I told you I would run.  

I told you I would leave you.  

But it was already too late for you.  

You loved me from the moment you met me.

I told you to get out.

I told you to leave me. 

I told you to save yourself.  

But it was already too late for you.  

You loved me from the moment you met me.

You looked at me and you saw something no one else has ever seen. 

You told me I was inspiring.  

You told me I was amazing. 

You told me I was beautiful. 

You told me you were lonely.

You told me you were afraid.

You told me you were patient.

You told me you weren't deterred.

You told me you weren't judging me.

You told me you weren't leaving me.  

I told you I was a mess. 

"You're perfect" you whispered. 

I told you I was far from perfect. 

I told you that you were supposed to see all my flaws.

I told you that you were supposed to love me anyway. 

You replied, "I do."

And then it was too late for me too.

I'd Tell You, if I Could

To my mother, my lover, my child... 

I'd tell you I'm sorry, if I could. 

Sorry for all the ways I failed you, for evey hurt, every betrayal. 

Sorry for all the ways in which I was not enough, and too much.

I'd tell you I forgive you, if I could. 

Forgive you for every hurt you inflicted, every argument we had. 

Forgive you for every misunderstanding. 

I'd tell you that no one could ever take your place, if I could. 

No one else has your sense of humour and your smile. 

No one else hugs just like you. 

I'd tell you that I cherish every memory, if I could. 

Memories of laughter and love, hurts and sorrows.

Memories of you, with me. 

I'd tell you that I learned so much from you, if I could. 

Learned about life and love, growing up, holding on and letting go.

Mostly I learned about me and the values I hold dear. 

I'd tell you that I'm grateful for you, if I could. 

Grateful for the way you listened and loved.

Grateful for advice and adventures.  

I'd tell you that I'm here for you, if I could.

Here to sit with you in the dark spaces.

Here to celebrate your triumps.

I'd tell you that you can always come back to me, if I could. 

My door, my arms, my heart is always open. 

I'd tell you I love you, if I could. 

No matter what.  Forever.  

If I could. 

I Believe

I believe in magic. 

It peaks around corners and hides in ancient forest. 

I believe in fairy tales and happily ever after. 

Fairy dust and unicorns and phoenix rising from the ashes. 

I believe in wonders untold. 

Mountains, canyons, waterfalls and wildlife.

I believe in miracles. 

Rainbows after storms. Caterpillars turning to butterflies. Hummingbirds that hover in place.

I believe in the mystery of the night sky.

Shooting stars, wishing stars and northern lights that dance in the darkness.  

I believe in holding on to hope. 

Dancing in the rain. Laughing through your tears. Loving after loss. 

I believe in second chances. 

Hearts can heal and forgiveness is possible. 

I believe that love doesn't ever die. 

Death is not the end and distance doesn't matter. 

I believe in souls coming together through lifetimes. 

Soul mates, twin flames and true love.

I believe in a no matter what kind of love that overcomes all odds and fills your heart to bursting. 

I believe in you. Out there, working your way to me.