Fundamentally Flawed

My core shame - I am deeply, fundamentally flawed. I don't think I am the only one who carries this. On the outside it looks like I have it all together. On the inside,  I hate me. I wonder, how can it be, that anyone could love one such as I. 

Flawed. 

Broken. 

Unworthy. 

Shame says that it is all my fault. Shame assigns guilt and blame. 

Abused and neglected as a child? Someone that not even a mother could love. 

Molested or raped?  You asked for it wearing clothes like that. 

In an abusive relationship? You picked him. 

Over worked? Why do you let people treat you that way? 

Having an affair?  Why do you stay?  Where is your self respect?  

Overweight? You have no self discipline. 

Messy house?  You're just lazy. 

There is a never ending litany of all the ways that I just don't measure up.  

It's all my fault.

Fundamentally flawed. Unlovable. Unworthy. 

The thing is,  when something is fundamentally flawed, it is not fixable. No matter what I do there will always be that part of me that isn't good enough. A child that not even a mother could love. It colours everything I see,  everything I do. 

Shame says that I don't blame you for not loving me, not picking me, not wanting me, not forgiving me. 

Shame says I understand why you leave me. 

Shame says I can't get too close, because then you will see it, that flaw that taints me. 

Every now and then I think I could be happy. I think I could be loved. Then something reminds me, that I am flawed, unworthy and unlovable. 

Shame swallows truth, light,  love and joy and leaves me floundering in the dark, alone.