Plot Twist

Every day I go to work and I hear tragic stories of violence,  abuse and neglect. Every day I listen as people cry, parents and children, lost in pain and fear. Domestic violence,  substance use, childhood sexual molestation. I recognize these stories deep within because I've lived them. I've read this book over and over. But it is not my story I'm hearing. My story is different.  

Plot twist...I am not a victim. 

Plot twist... After 5 years of molestation,  I made him stop when I was 15 years old. 

Plot twist... I faced my attacker in court when I was 17.  And he was found guilty. 

Plot twist... I left home at 19 instead of living with the man who molested me. 

Plot twist... I didn't abort my baby when I was 21. 

Plot twist... at 24 I took three babies and left my husband when he started to be physically abusive. 

Plot twist... I immigrated to a foreign country when I was 27 to create distance between me and an abusive family. (Yes! America was very foreign.)

Plot twist... after losing everything in a messy divorce, I bought my own home when I was 40 and became a single parent of 7 children. 

Plot twist... at 45 I went to college and then graduated with a 4.0 GPA. 

Plot twist... my son died when I was 46 and I became even stronger,  braver and more compassionate. 

Plot twist... I got a job working with families who are dealing with abuse and neglect when I was 46. This is when I began hearing stories that broke my heart wide open. 

Plot twist... today I have a daily gratitude practice because every day I am reminded of where I came from and how hard I worked to change from victim,  to surviver,  to thriver. 

I wrote about being a good girl in a box and about breaking out of the box.  I often still feel confined by the box, the expectations placed on me by family and society.  I am constantly reminded of how I am supposed to behave, what is right and what is wrong. By whose standards am I supposed to live? Who has the right to impose their will on me?  

Plot twist... I am my own woman. I am powerful and brave. I have overcome poverty, abuse, loss, grief. I have navigated every challenge with grace and courage. I have consistently chosen love over fear. 

I hear those stories. I have read the book. But I'm writing a different story and my story is full of plot twists. In the end, this heroine lives happily ever after. 

Stupid, Stupid Girl

Oh you stupid stupid girl.

You believed him when he said he loved you,  didn't you? 

Sweet words and gentle kisses. 

Promises whispered in the dark of night. 

You stupid girl.  

Desperately hoping and wanting to believe. 

Stupid girl for ever thinking he could love you. 

Stupid girl for thinking he would pick you. 

Stupid little girl letting a man break your heart wide open.  

Stupid stupid girl for crying. 

Stupid girl. 

You know the next time he calls you will answer. 

And the next time you answer, he will hurt you again. 

But you, stupid girl, will keep hoping, keep believing, keep coming back for more. 

When does it end, you stupid little girl?  

When do you harden your heart? 

When do you turn your back and walk away? 

When do you decide you aren't playing his games anymore? 

Stupid little girl, believing in love and happily ever after. 

If being a stupid girl means holding on to hope, then yes, I am a stupid girl. 

If it means holding a soft open heart, I will gladly be stupid. 

If it means I leap into each new adventure and embrace all life has to offer, 

then call me a stupid girl. 

If it means I forgive over and over, even those things that are unforgivable,  

then I wouldn't want to live any other way. 

I will always chose love, compassion, hope, forgiveness and adventure over a bitter hard heart. 

If that makes me a stupid girl,  then I am proud to be stupid. 

I would never want to be anything else. 

Silent Superheroes

The world is full of silent superheroes.

Every day, they roll out of bed and put their pants on and then they quietly go about their business.

They choose to be kind when it would be easier to be cruel.

They choose to be patient when it would be easier to rush.

They choose to speak up when it would easier to stay silent.

They choose to forgive when it would be easier to stay angry.

They fall down and then choose to stand up again.

Superheros!

The single mother who tucks her littles into bed and then does her  homework late into the night.

The teacher who leaves her own children to spend all day with 20 others.

The addict who chooses recovery, no matter how hard it gets.

The divorced dad who pays his child support on time every month and shows up to watch a soccer game.

The grandma who cares for her grandchildren, even though she's already raised her own.

The firefighter who stands ready to serve and protect.

The boy that goes to work every day to pay off his student loans, when it would be easier to party.

The parents that teach their children,  by words and deeds, to be kind.

The husband who makes tea for his wife without being asked.

The sister that listens uncomplaining to another story.

The friend that drops everything and comes when called.

The child that offers to share with a stranger.

Silent superheroes speak gently.

Silent superheroes walk softly.

Silent superheroes love greatly.

Silent superheroes believe in you, when you don't believe in yourself.

They stand steadfast in the face of fear, remaining undaunted.

Silent superheros choose love, every day, when it would be easier to choose fear.

I am Unbreakable

Broken.

Beaten.

Sobbing.

Strong arms wrapped around me.

A voice whispered in my ear.

"You are strong."

"You are fierce."

"You are a warrior!"

In that moment I knew. I was not broken.

I was unbreakable.

Maybe the point isn't to get out, to run away from the pain and the fear and the  anger. Maybe you're supposed to sit with it, wallow in it. Maybe you're supposed to find a way to be comfortable with uncertainty and, even when it's hard, even when it hurts, choose love anyways.

Let go of the way you wanted others to treat you.  Let go of the expectations of what your life was supposed to look like and the way people were supposed to love you. 

Let go of expectations and show up with an open heart again and again.  

Be okay with your heart breaking as much as you're okay with your heart overflowing with love. They are two halves of a whole.

Life hurts and it's hard. It's ugly and messy. It's also outrageously beautiful. Don't get attached to either.

Today your heart hurts. Accept it.

Tomorrow your heart will be full of joy. Accept it.

The next day you will experience something else. Accept that too.

You are not entitled to peace or joy.

You are entitled to life, with all its messy challenges and glory.  Accept it.

When you can flow with the ups and downs of life, then you too will be unbreakable.