Hope in the Darkness

I have sunk into the darkness of grief. It is a lonely place. I know there are others here but I can't reach them and I don't even want to try.

In the dark I am silent and alone.  There are no words. The darkness saps my strength. It swallows me whole, pressing down on me, stealing my energy, my enthusiasm, my joy.

There is no escape, though I tried to run. I don't try anymore. I am content here, in the darkness, alone with my sorrow and my silence. 

Once, I sat alone in the dark and learned to love my demons. Now, I sit alone in the dark and learn to love myself. A broken heart is a beautiful thing, for it means it once loved, so greatly that loss could crack it wide open.

I cry in the dark, slow silent tears and great heaving sobs. Quietly into my pillow. Loud and ugly in the shower. Alone in my car. An ever present ache in the dark. A hurt so great that I don't understand how I can stand up under it. I don't know where the strength comes that carries it every day. Yet every day,  I pick it up when I awake, I carry it, throughout the day, and I fall asleep with it,  wrapped around me like a blanket.

Pain, sorrow, darkness. Mine and mine alone.

Then, one day, there was hope in the darkness. Bright, white, shining hope.  It sparkled so brightly I was drawn to it. I fell to my knees in front of it. I reached out a hand to touch it.  Such beauty,  kindness, goodness, compassion and acceptance. I sobbed, on my knees, with my head bowed.

For a moment, as I knelt on the earth, I was comforted. There is a beacon of hope in the darkness,  pulling me onward. I may not see the path. I may not know my way, but I will continue on. Eventually, the darkness will lighten. Eventually the ache will ease. Eventually, I will lift my face to the light.  Until then, I will hold on, with all of my might because I know that I'll be alright.

"Give me hope in the darkness, that I will see the light, 'cause oh that gave me such a fright. I will hold on, with all of my might just promise me we'll be alright." ~Mumford and Sons