Today I Have Failed

I tried to be all things to all people.

I went to work even though they told me it was too soon, juggling three jobs and teaching yoga.  I went back to school certain I could manage a full course load. I took care of a baby that wasn't mine. Four, five, six nights a week because I can't let people down. Because I am Super Mom and I can do it all.

I was determined to carry on with my life. Commitments. People. Trips here and there. Walking through every day with a broken heart.

"I need help." I said.

"I can't do this." I cried.

"It's not fair." I whined.

But no one listened.

And then I broke. Shattered.

It was my fault. Everyone angry with me.

Because I failed at being kind and patient while I grieve.

I failed at juggling school, work, kids and life.

I failed at crying pretty tears.

I failed at being polite and proper.

I failed at swallowing my hurt.

I failed at living up to the expectations of others.

I failed at taking care of everyone while neglecting myself.

I failed as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, student.

But I didn't fail at grieving. I didn't fail at loving. I didn't fail me. Only you, out there. You whose life has gone on with barely a hitch while my life is destroyed. You who asked more of me than  anyone should ever have to give.  I have failed you.

Today, I have failed and I'm okay with that.