The Tie That Binds

There is a thin red thread that connects us.

It was forged eons ago, in another time and place,  when the stories were different but the emotions were the same.

I didn't know.  Neither did you. We both walked our paths, contentedly, unknowingly.  Until one day those paths crossed. 

Oh, there you are.

Then we knew. The tie that binds tugged at our hearts, pulling us into an awkward dance. In, out, together, apart. Like puppets on a string we reacted to things felt.

We loved. We hurt. We laughed. We argued. We danced, in and out, back and forth,  push and pull, together and apart. Until the adventure wasn't worth it anymore.

Then, at exactly the right moment, our paths diverged, pulling us in opposite directions.  Leaving us with memories, a little heartache and a red thread, tying us together.

You and me, bound for eternity by the tie that binds.

Today I Have Failed

I tried to be all things to all people.

I went to work even though they told me it was too soon, juggling three jobs and teaching yoga.  I went back to school certain I could manage a full course load. I took care of a baby that wasn't mine. Four, five, six nights a week because I can't let people down. Because I am Super Mom and I can do it all.

I was determined to carry on with my life. Commitments. People. Trips here and there. Walking through every day with a broken heart.

"I need help." I said.

"I can't do this." I cried.

"It's not fair." I whined.

But no one listened.

And then I broke. Shattered.

It was my fault. Everyone angry with me.

Because I failed at being kind and patient while I grieve.

I failed at juggling school, work, kids and life.

I failed at crying pretty tears.

I failed at being polite and proper.

I failed at swallowing my hurt.

I failed at living up to the expectations of others.

I failed at taking care of everyone while neglecting myself.

I failed as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, student.

But I didn't fail at grieving. I didn't fail at loving. I didn't fail me. Only you, out there. You whose life has gone on with barely a hitch while my life is destroyed. You who asked more of me than  anyone should ever have to give.  I have failed you.

Today, I have failed and I'm okay with that.

Today I am Sorry

I have nothing left to say but I am sorry and I love you.

I have tried but I am only human.  I am fallible.

And I'm so sorry.

For the hurt I've caused, for the anger and resentment, for the guilt and the shame, for harsh words and hurt feelings, I apologize.

I'm sorry I could not live up to expectations.

I am only human.

I have been wrong and will be again.

I have lost my temper and my patience.

I have been rude and unkind.

I have lied and made bad choices.

It doesn't mean I don't love you. It does mean I am human. 

Forgive me my failings. Offer me compassion. Love me anyways. 

For I am not perfect, I am human.

I am afraid and often lonely.  I am tired and overwhelmed.  I am sad and broken.

But I am doing my best. I am trying so hard.

I am sorry that my best isn't enough. I'm sorry that my efforts fall short. I am sorry I have disappointed you.

I am sorry. I miss you. And I still love you.