Today Defines Me

My son died.

Perhaps if I say it often enough I will believe it.

My son died.

Three days after his twenty third birthday, he ate cake for breakfast and went to work. He came home. We exchanged a few words and he left to go shopping. He never made it back home.

My son died.

In that moment all that I am, the words that I've said, all that I believe about life and death, God and love, everything was put to the test.

This was my opportunity to decide if I really was the person I thought I was. Holding love in one hand, holding fear in the other, which would I chose?

Someone said that this moment, this tragedy, this accident, would not define me.

I rather hope it will.

I've learned so much about myself from wading through this tragedy.

I've learned to speak my truth, loudly, without apologies. I know that I will never again stay silent out of fear.

I've learned to ask for help and accept it graciously.

I've learned that I am surrounded by people who love me and if I reach for them, they will help me up or sit with me until I am once again ready to rise.

I've learned that I will never again play small to make someone else comfortable.

I've learned that that while in the midst of the worst pain imaginable I can chose love.

I've learned that I am strong. I am strong enough to break and put myself back together. I am strong enough to fall and get back up. I am strong enough to cry and then laugh again.

I've learned that I am a person who lives life with all that I am. I love deeply. I laugh freely. I sing out loud. I dance with abandon. I dive into every emotion and feel it with all that I am, even grief.

I've learned that the deeper the love, the deeper the pain.  I've learned that I would never undo the love to save myself the pain.

Because I've learned that the adventure is always worth it.