There is a voice pounding inside my head and a soft pleasant smile on my face. It rages, cursing and screaming in a place no one can see, hidden behind gentle eyes.
There is a voice screaming to be heard. Anger and frustration, pulsing and pounding, searching for acknowledgement.
My throat stays closed, ever silent, while tears leak from the corner of my eyes.
Rage builds, vile curses bouncing off the inside of my skull, scorching my inner ears. Rage that sucks me down into the abyss. Drowning under the fear and hate.
Time after time I struggle to the surface, grab a breath of joy, of love. Sweet baby kisses, tail wagging, sun rising beauty. It soothes for a second.
Then I sink, again, into the hate, the anger.
There is no saving me from the maelstrom. I sink, then I kick to the surface. Hoping that that one little breath will keep me going until I make it to the surface the next time.
There is the ever present fear that maybe, this next time I won't make it back to the surface. Or the breath won't last long enough. Maybe this time the raging voice will win the battle. Maybe this time I'll succumb to the depths.
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