I Remember This Day

I remember this day,  the phone call that broke my heart.

I remember the tears that I couldn't stop.

I remember trying to catch my breath because the pain cut so deep it overwhelmed me.

I remember the people who paused to ask me if I was okay.

I remember the frantic phone calls that you didn't answer, the distraught messages I left for you.

I don't know if I said it out loud but I remember begging you, at least within my mind, to please pick me.

Please pick me. Don't leave me.

I remember curling into a ball, my arms wrapped around myself, rocking, while I sobbed, great heaving sobs while grief tore me apart.

And then I ran.

I've never run before. Maybe because I've never hurt like that before.

Within hours I was on my way.

I remember driving with tears dripping down my face.

I remember being wrapped in the safe circle of my best friends arms while I sobbed out my grief and hurt.

I remember rocking in her hammock. She made me feel safe.

She started to put back together what you broke.

I remember the rage that came after, when I threw your shirt in the trash and unfriended you on Facebook.

I remember trying so hard to forgive you for hurting me.

I remember the ever present resentment that I couldn't shake.

I remember trying to convince myself that I never really loved you and that you never really loved me.

I remember this day that hurt me so much that it made me forget everything that went before.

I remember only the hurt that made me forget how much I loved you.

I forgot the sound of your voice.

I forgot the way you laughed.

I forgot your smile and the way your eyes crinkle.

I forgot that you knew me better then I knew myself sometimes.

I forgot cribbage games and kisses.

I forgot it all in the pain of remembering this day.

Until I remembered that there was good too.

It was in remembering that I realized that I loved you more than I ever knew.

I love you still. I always will.