Imprisoned

Locked in a little room, no windows, no way out. The clang of a heavy steel door shakes me to my core. Imprisoned.

What ever did I do to deserve this?

I did my best. I tried, hard. Yet here I am, still trapped. With no way out.

My cage is built out of my own fears. The bars that hold me, my own past. The banging of the door is the litany of my shame.

There is no way out of the room that I've built to imprison my own soul.

We all have them. They are built with our fears, our guilt and our shame. We are trapped by expectations of ourselves and others. We layer on responsibilities, jobs and bills and kids. We carry our past like a heavy burden that we can not lay down.

Truly we have built ourselves a prison stronger than any prison man can build out of concrete and steel. We guard our hearts more fiercely than any guard in a uniform would.

We are locked deep within a dungeon of our own making. We are not free.

We do not have the freedom to speak our truth for fear it will hurt others. We do not have the freedom to follow our hearts deepest longing for fear of letting 'them' down. We do not have the freedom to show anyone our true selves, for fear they will judge us and find us lacking.

So we live lives of imprisonment, aching to be free, to be seen, to be loved.

We experience a loneliness so deep that we are shaken to our core, sometimes even beyond what we can bear.

The only difference between me and an inmate is that they know they are imprisoned. They have made their prison into a reality that we all can see. They have lost their illusions.

I carry the illusion of freedom with me. I can pretend to be free when I stand with my feet in the ocean. Yet my fear never leaves me. I can pretend to be free when I walk down the street hand in hand with my love, yet the loneliness walks with me.

I can pretend all day long, yet I still cry myself to sleep every night.

I am locked in a prison of my own making. We all are. The only thing left to do is to make peace with it.

My Foolish Heart

My foolish heart.

Why do you weep? Throw yourself away again

Then cry yourself to sleep.

I weep for the children of the world who are lonely and sad.

I weep for the lovers of the world who are far apart.

I weep for those who are old and forgotten.

I weep for those who ache to be loved, yet are still alone.

I weep for those who hurt so deeply that they lose themselves.

I weep for the gorillas, the pandas and the elephants.

I weep for the oceans full of trash.

I weep for the forests that get smaller every day.

I weep for the world I will leave my children.

I weep for the people in the world.

Mostly, I weep for myself. 

I weep for the deep, unrelenting loneliness that walks with me every day.

I weep for the child that was beaten and molested and, even worse, ignored.

I weep for the girl that didn't have the strength to say no to her molester so just lay still and cried silently.

I weep for the girl that spent her childhood aching to be seen, to be heard.

I weep for the teen that sat on the edge of a bridge longing to slide into the water and never come up.

I weep for a baby denied and unwanted.

I weep for a husband hurt and children crying themselves to sleep at night.

I weep for lives filled with hatred and anger.

I weep for expectations and disappointments.

I weep for hopelessness and loneliness.

I weep for lost dreams and wounded hearts.

 

I weep for me and I weep for you.

My foolish heart,
When will you learn?
You are the eyes of the world
And there's no where else to turn.

What Do you Do?

What are you supposed to do when people are mean? What do you do when your heart hurts and you want to cry?

Because people are mean and they are cruel. Unfortunately it seems like the ones you love hurt you the most. 

So what do you do then? Your mother,  your lover, your very best friend do or say hurtful things. There is a sense of shock, a catch in your breath. Why cries in your mind. Why? Whatever did I do to deserve this?

Did I do something wrong? Am I unworthy of your kindness?  Is it my fault? 

I stop talking when I'm hurt. I might walk away or turn my head while I figure out what to do next.

Am I supposed to speak my truth? Confront you with my pain?  Should I tell you that you have hurt me? Did you mean to? Did you want to? Because you did.

Or should I go cry in a corner and feel sorry for myself? Oh poor me. No one will ever love or respect me the way I deserve.

Should I get angry? Maybe yell at you,  give you the silent treatment or even say something mean back. Will that make me feel better?

Different days, different people, different circumstances, I've tried each. Yet people are still mean and my heart still hurts.

Now I offer compassion and forgiveness. I bite my tongue and cry my tears in private. No one knows the hurt in my heart.  It is mine alone.

I inspect my wounds. I look at where I am taking other people's words and actions personally, instead seeing them as fear and a longing for love.

And I wonder at what point do you walk away? When does the pain overpower the love? When does the joy no longer compensate for the hurt?

How much can any one person take and still keep their heart held open?

What do you do when people are mean and your heart hurts?