Reflections on writing

Over the last four weeks of this Writing for Publication class I have started my own blog, researched different avenues for publication, written articles and grown in my confidence and abilities.  It has been an interesting process.  I have always loved to write.  I write letters.  I write lists.  I write emails.  I write in my journal.  Since I was a child I have always wanted to be a writer.  But at some point, my busy life, my lack of confidence and my insecurities got in the way.  I've told my best friend over and over that I'm going to write a book someday.  The book has changed over the years, once upon a time it was a children's story or perhaps a romance novel.  Now there are two or three books waiting in my mind for pen to be put to paper.  They have names and outlines yet I'm afraid that they will continue to wait and the pen will never meet the paper. 
Writing because I had to, not because I wanted to was a novel idea for me.  I write to get things out of my head, to express myself.  I write to share pieces of myself with others because it is so much easier to express myself on paper.  Words get caught up in my throat and I can't express what I want to say so I sit silent.  Even when I do manage to open my mouth and say something so often it doesn't come out the way I want it to.  I call it being shy or reserved.  Perhaps that really isn't my problem.  Perhaps the problem is more that I struggle with having the confidence to really express my innermost thoughts.  In this class I had to write, not by choice, but because it was a requirement.  Not only did I have to write but then I had to take my thoughts and post them for others to see.  This was a big leap for me.  Again it comes back to confidence.  I struggled but I did what was asked of me. 
Taking it one step further, not just posting my blog for my friends and family on facebook, not just submitting to my teacher and other students that struggle with the same fears, but submitting for publication scares me deep down to my soul.  How can I take my private thought processes and put them out there for others to read, to critique?  I searched through different options looking for a place where I would be comfortable and I couldn't find one.  I have a very personal style.  I don't feel that I would fit in just anywhere.  I finally made my choice.  I like elephant journal - the style and the feel. Once deciding that this is where I would submit my writing I ran into a new problem.  I don't want to submit my writing to someone else.  Once I submit to elephant journal I can't post it on my own blog.  But it is my writing.  I don't want to share it somewhere else. 
I feel that I have made road blocks in my own mind.  This was difficult for me.  I like the idea of submitting my writing to someone else.  I like the idea of having someone else edit my writing.  I like the idea of being exposed to many more readers.  I don't like the idea of sharing my innermost thoughts with strangers.  I don't like the idea of letting go of even the littlest bit of control.  I know I will continue to write for my own blog.  I hope that I will bring those books out of my head some day.   I can't say as to whether or not I will ever submit my writing for publication again until I see the end result of the process.  I want to see how it feels to be published somewhere else.  I want to see how it feels to have my writing edited. 
From start to finish this was a challenging process and one that I very much enjoyed.  I learned much about myself and about the writing process.  Even if I never do submit my writing for publication, even if I never do write a book, I know that I will always use writing as a method for taking my thoughts out of the merry-go-round in my head and clarifying my thoughts.