I Didn't Know What to Say

"I didn't know what to say" 

More than one person has said that to me. People that love me. People that have completely ignored the fact that my son died. Because they didn't know what to say. 

So they said nothing. They didn't call. They didn't text. They didn't show up at a funeral home and stand in line waiting to hug me. 

They didn't send a heart emoji or a hug emoji or a sympathy card. 

They left me to grieve without their love and support. Because they didn't know what to say. 

Here is what I know... 

If you don't reach for me, it is very unlikely that I will reach for you. 

If you don't invite me to talk about him, I won't. 

There are maybe three people that aren't my therapist that I will talk to about what I am feeling right now. 

No one says his name. No one. It feels like the world has forgotten him already. 

No one checks on me. No one. Perhaps because no one know what to say. 

Asking 'how are you' in a store as we walk past each other does not count as checking on me. I'm fucking fine. And if you really wanted to know how I am, you'd call. 

That said, I won't answer your call, because I don't want to talk to you about it, unless you are one of the aforementioned three people. 

Voicemails that say you love me are always welcome. 

If I love you, I will hug you when I see you in the store, but only for a minute, because I don't want to start crying. 

I am angry. 

Here is what you can say.... 

I'm so sorry. 

This sucks. 

I can't imagine what you are going through. 

I'm thinking of you. 

I wish this wasn't happening to you. (Me too!)

I hate that you are going through this.

There are no good words. 

I love you. 

I don't know what to say, but I'm here. 

Don't... 

Tell me you know what I'm going through. (You don't!)

Ask me what you can do to help. (Nothing!)

Ask me how I am when you see me in the store. (You could say, 'nice to see you.')

Expect me to call you.

Expect me to ask you for help. Ever. 

Get offended when I ignore calls, texts, messages. 

Here are more suggestions for when you have no words.... 

Send a picture of a rainbow. 

Send a heart emoji. 

Share a Facebook reel of a cat doing something stupid, or cute. 

Tell me something you are grateful for. 

Share something that you find magical. 

Share an inspirational reel that reminds me that I am brave and strong and shit like that. (It does make me smile.) 

More things that I know... 

Grief is complicated and messy, especially so when you are grieving suicide. 

There is no heartbreak like that of losing a child. Or two. 

Grief breaks your heart and your brain. 

Talking about him may make me cry, but it will also remind me that he is loved. 

The discomfort you feel when you don't know what to say is nothing compared to the heartache I feel. 

Sitting with someone who is grieving can be uncomfortable. Sit with them anyway.

No one should have to eat cake alone.