a world gone mad

my friend called it 

perception of control

this need I have to 

clean and organize

declutter, all the things

rearrange the furniture 

sort things into piles

I am so desperate 

to feel like 

something 

is under my control

desperate to make sense 

of things 

in a world gone mad

this is how I found myself 

sitting on the floor 

in the living room

surrounded by empty bins, trash bags,

piles of clothes, a pair of skates

some old sunglasses, a dusty fedora

wood carving tools, pocket watches

a pair of cufflinks, some flashlights,

a pink stuffed bunny 

and a brown teddy bear

scribbles on notepads, 

a kindle and an old phone

this is how I found myself 

clutching a carhartt jacket

sobbing and retching

great heaving sobs

keening and wailing

while I crawled into a pile 

of t-shirts, sweatshirts, 

dress shirts and ties

curled in a ball

covered with tears and snot

this is how I found myself,

three days after Christmas 

drowning in despair and

surrounded by the detritus 

of two lives

lost too soon

alone and still trying 

to make sense 

of a world gone mad