My Ben

I don't want to do it. That is what I keep repeating. I don't want to do it again. I don't want another funeral.  I don't want to cremate another son. I don't want to do it. But I will. Because there is no other choice. 

I'm managing better this time around. I don't vomit over and over every day. I have been able to eat a little. I have been able to sleep, some. We all started making jokes the second day in. It makes me wonder, did I love him less? Am I grief numb? Is it the shock? 

What I think is that I've walked this road before. We walked this road together seven years ago. We learned so much about grief and life, that even though we are devastated again, we know. 

We know that the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising despite our sorrow. We know that in the beginning grief is all encompassing, but our life will grow around it. We know that we will find reasons to smile and to laugh again. We know that he will miss things, weddings and holidays and such, but we also know, that we will find ways to honor him at those events. We know that there will be new babies to love. We know that there will be new friends to laugh with. 

We know that he is not gone. We know he is still with us. His presence felt, though unseen. We know that love does do not die. But mostly, we know that we have been so incredibly blessed to love and have been loved in such a way that we grieve like this. 

The Journey To Peace

 I have walked through the fires of hell. One foot in front of the other. Day after day. My tears putting out the flames that would consume me. I have walked through the fires of hell. 

I lost my son. I lost my best cousin. I lost my guy. I lost my best friend. And then I lost myself. I lost the will to live. I lost joy and wonder and magic. And yet I kept walking. One foot in front of the other. 

Day after day I walked through a world that held pain and grief and loss. Day after day I contemplated giving up. Day after day I cried. But I kept on walking. 

I lost integrity. I lost faith. I lost hope. I held love in one hand and fear in the other, and I chose fear. I chose fear every day, until I was drowning in it. I couldn't catch my breath. 

I was lost in a hell of my own making. And still, I kept on walking. While the flames licked at my feet and the tears burned my cheeks. 

Until one day, love walked into hell and smiled at me. One day, love took my hand and asked me to choose. One day, I held fear in one hand and love in the other and I chose love. 

I chose love. I didn't want to go on. I didn't want to live. I had nothing left. But I chose love, and I walked out of hell into a world of magic. 

I found love in a world full of tiny, beautiful things. It was there in the frost on the window, the falling leaves, a baby's laughter. It was there, waiting for me to find my way out of hell. 

Today I am unapologetically joyous. The world is full of wonder again. I do work that feeds my soul. I am surrounded by people who love me. I love and am loved. I see beauty and goodness everywhere. 

I have walked through the fires of hell, and I have come out the other side. I do not regret the trip, or how long it took me. I have earned peace, love and joy, with every flaming footstep and burning tear drop. 

 Now instead of walking through hell, I am dancing through life. I have held fear, and I have held love. I once chose fear. Today I chose love. Today I chose laughter. Today I chose life, in all its wonder and magic.  Today I chose peace. 

Death Day

Dec 17, 11:21 pm

I don't want to turn the light off and sleep. I don't want it to be tomorrow.  I don't want to feel the grief of the death day. 

I turn the light off anyway. 

Dec 18, 5:08 am

Suddenly awake, still dark, too early.  I don't want to be in this day. Not yet. I turn on meditation music and close my eyes. 

6:29 am

I get a message from my friend. She is eating cake today. She never forgets. She is with me in spirit. 

6:30 am

The best cat in the world stretches out on my chest and begins to purr. I am not alone. 

7:03 am

A warm body crawls into my bed and snuggles with me. Comfort, not tears. I've never started death day like this before. 

7:42 am 

I see a Facebook post from my friend. Her baby turns one today. A year ago I resented her for having such joy on the death day, for holding her boy when I will never hold mine ago. Today I wonder if I can hold both, my sorrow and her joy. Possibly. 

8:17 am 

I get in the shower and sob. Hot water washes away my tears while happy music plays. 

9:02 am

I am sitting cross legged in my bed, sharing cake for breakfast. I ask him why did he offer to eat cake with me and he replies "You shouldn't have to do this alone." I cry and eat cake. With company. 

9:19 am

A message from a friend. Her son died too. I know she grieves, with me and for me. I hate that she is in this with me. But her message makes me feel seen, not alone in my grief. 

10:00 am

I am wrapped up in a hug. The same person, every year on death day. This is my ritual, to spend the morning with her. I feel her love. 

3:13 pm

Walking with my feet in the water, icy cold toes, sea glass and pretty rocks. Zac is here, in the Atlantic Ocean, with me.

3:25 pm

Wrapped in a blanket, starting to warm up, the sun hits my face through the windshield. I close my eyes and take a breath. It feels peaceful.  

4:30

Eating pizza, I am exhausted.  I don't have anything left. I want to go home and curl up and cry. No more adventures today. 

6:59 pm

I watch the time ticking closer to the moment, seven years ago, when life ended. I feel like I should be crying, wailing, ripping my hair out. I hold myself so tightly and I am held. Not alone. 

7:15 pm

Two big boys home with me. Make pizza. Turn on a movie to watch the fighting, shooting and saving the world. Noise, talking, laughter. 

10:46 pm

Still not alone, tucked into bed with dogs and cats on and around me. Comfort comes in doggy snores and kitty purrs. 

11:01 pm

Turn the light off. Close my eyes.  Death day comes to an end. Today there were pockets of grief and pockets of peace. Today there were tears and there was laughter. Today there was comfort. Today I was hugged and held.  Today I was not alone. 

There has never been a death day like this before. 

i don't want to

i don't want to be brave anymore

i don't want to get out of bed

i don't want to put on pants

i don't want to go to work 

i don't want to be scared anymore

i don't want to drive in snow storms 

i don't want to drive by the death spot

i don't want to see death in oncoming headlights

i don't want to be angry anymore

i don't want to hate the world for turning

i don't want resent all the people who celebrate 

i don't want to hear the voices screaming in my head

i don't want to grieve anymore

i don't want to cry

i don't want to miss him 

i don't want to talk about it

i am so tired

sobbing

curled up in a ball

rocking

seven years later it is not better

seven years later I am still shattered

seven years later it still swallows me whole and leaves me gasping for breath

when does it end

when does it ease

when is there peace 

i don't want to endure anymore

it's just too much

All I Wanted

All I wanted was to be loved

I wanted to be good enough
I wanted to be chosen

I wanted to be held
I wanted arms wrapped around me at night
I wanted my head on a should and a heart beating under my ear

I wanted a safe space to be me

I wanted to be authentic
I wanted to be vulnerable

I wanted a shared future

I wanted shared values
I wanted shared homes, families, traditions

I wanted a playmate

I wanted adventures

I wanted laughter

I wanted to feel seen and heard and valued

I wanted to feel good enough

I wanted to feel worthy

I wanted magic

I wanted peace, hope and joy

I wanted a haven, a safe place to land 

All I wanted was today
Not someday
Not eventually

But today

I wanted a home for my heart

Don't Tell Me That I Shine

Don't tell me that I'm beautiful. Tell me the sound of my laughter makes you want to laugh too. Tell me the way my eyes crinkle when I smile makes your heart soften. Tell me the curve of my shoulder is tantalizing. 

Don't tell me I'm a good person. Tell me that my passion for my work inspires you. Tell me that the way I rescue strangers and kittens gives you hope. Tell me that my soft heart makes you want to hold me close and my stubborn pride fills you with awe. 

Don't tell me that you're mad at me. Tell me that my careless words infuriate you. Tell me that my selfishness makes you feel lonely.  Tell me that my frivolousness frustrates you and when I am distracted you feel unheard. 

Don't tell me that you want me.  Tell me that the scent of me makes you long to hold me close. Tell me that the curve of my ass incites lust. Tell me that curls gone wild makes you feel wild about me and you can't wait to feel my skin against yours.

Don't tell me that you love me. Tell me that when I dance in the kitchen and sing in the shower the world feels brighter. Tell me that my thirst for adventure brings excitement to your soul. Tell me that you can see forever with me sitting across the room from you. 

Don't tell me that you'll fight for me. Tell me that I provoke introspection. Tell me that being with me makes you want to be a better man. Tell me that I matter to you. Tell me that I am worthy and that you want to share your life with me. 

Don't you fucking tell me that I shine. Don't tell me that you're attracted to my light, my goodness, my heart. Tell me that you love the way I show up for people. Tell me you admire how I hold people safe when they are falling apart. Tell me my ability to find magic in the world encourages you to look for magic as well. Tell me that you watch the way I walk the razors edge with wonder. Tell me that the way I find light in the darkness feels miraculous. Tell me that the depth and passion of my emotions takes your breath away. 

Don't tell me that you love me. Tell me that you choose me, every day, in every way.

 

You are stunning.  The look the you send me from across the room, saying everything without saying a word, captivates me.  It reminds me that I have a soul, and that you have touched it.  

 

Your passion for others is inspiring.  It spurs me to do better, and be better, so that I can keep up.  It pushes me to remember my own compassion for others, especially when I am feeling hopeless and angry.  

 

I do want you.  I want to hold you at night.  I want snuggles, and kisses, and spooning.  I want to dance with you.  I want to bake with you.  I want to share myself with you.  I want to touch every inch of you.  I  want to be naked with you, sleep with you, and to love you.  I want to tangle my fingers in your curls, and be so close I can’t tell where I end and you begin.

 

Being with you makes me want to be a better man. It makes me want to engage with myself, discover myself, and discover you.  I look forward to spending the rest of forever with you.  

 

You make my life better.  I look forward to ending the day with you, and wrapping you in my arms.  I look forward to comforting you while you comfort me.  I am excited to build traditions, share experiences, and go on adventures with you. 

I love you.  So much.

 

I am attracted to the way you are and the way you are exist.  I am attracted to your laugh, your smile, your curls, your body.  I am drawn to your shape, your embrace, and your voice. 

I admire your ability to reflect, to comfort, and to be with me.

 

I choose you.  I choose to be with you.  I choose to enjoy you. 

All of you. Every day.

Don't Settle

The one thing I wish for you is this, 

Don't settle for a mediocre love. 

Don't stay because you don't think you can't do better. 

Don't stay because you're afraid to be alone. 

Don't accept anything less than a home for your heart.

It's okay to enjoy your mediocre life. 

It's okay to live on a budget.

It's okay if your home is modest.

It's okay if you don't want fame and fortune. 

But it's not okay to settle for a mediocre love.

When you pick your person, make sure you are both all in. 

Life will throw you some challenges, 

Make sure that you want to do the hard stuff with them.

Make sure they will lean in, have hard conversations. 

Make sure they will fight with you and for you. 

Make sure that neither of you are settling for a mediocre love.

 

You deserve to be loved, fully and deeply. 

You deserve to be seen and heard and valued. 

You deserve to feel safe and wanted. 

You deserve someone who accepts you exactly as you are. 

You deserve so much more than a mediocre love. 

You deserve a home for your heart. 

Don't settle for anything less.