I love you, I tell her.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
She gazes back at me, sad and silent.
I'm sorry for all the times I put you down and all the ways in which I said you weren't good enough.
I'm sorry I told you to be good or to be quiet or to try harder. I'm sorry for telling you that you were wrong.
Every time I told you that you were too much, or not enough, I was wrong. I was cruel. I didn't see you, but was more worried about pleasing them.
I made you feel unworthy and inferior. I criticized, mercilessly. Told you you were lazy, had no self disciple, mocked your stretch marks, your sags and bags and wrinkles. Every time I looked at you I resented your wild curls and made fun of your small boobs.
I told you to try harder, do more but be less. Less emotional. Less adventurous. Less wild. Behave yourself. Be a good girl. I grew frustrated with your insistence on adventures and fun, forgiving everyone, taking to everyone, living and loving with a heart wide open. If only you would listen to me, close your heart and turn your back on people it might hurt less. You might cry less. People aren't worth it I told you. But you stubbornly argued that they were. You insisted the adventure was always worth it while I tried so hard to tame you.
We compromised. You sat sullen and resentful. You held your tongue and did the right thing. You pretended to be responsible while inside you were dying to run with the wind and dance in the waves. I thought I had won.
I didn't realize that I was losing the love of my life. I didn't know that everything that I was trying to tame is what makes you beautiful and wondrous.
I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I see you, trying so hard to contain your emotions, trying to not love so fiercely and swallow your tears. Your emotions are what makes you powerful. Let them flow freely through you. Love again, with your whole heart. Sing out loud and don't care what anyone thinks of the sound of your voice, for to me, it is the sweetest song I've ever heard.
Your smile, your laughter, your joy fill my heart to overflowing. Anything that brings you joy, let's do that, together, because your energy and enthusiasm are contagious.
I tried so hard to get you to please them, those others. I desperately wanted their approval. I wanted them to pick us and say that we were enough. In my longing for love and acceptance I turned my back on you, the one who needed me most, the one who I should have loved best. I hurt you. Please forgive me.
Today, I pick you. Never again will I ask you to be quiet to make someone else think more of me. Never again will I suggest that you are too much or aren't enough. You are wondrous. Your curls are fabulous. They go perfectly with your sparkling eyes, impish smile and ready laughter. You are smart and strong and beautiful. There is nothing we can't do, together and I am so blessed to get to walk through this life with you.
