She Had Forgotten

I looked in the mirror and saw sad eyes, slumped shoulders and a head bowed under the weight of burdens carried. Who was this woman in front of me? Buried in sadness and shame , a frown upon her face, she was unrecognizable to me. She was tired. She lacked joy. She lacked hope. Going through the motions, with no energy or enthusiasm.

She had forgotten who she was.

Every day, over and over, she chanted in her head "I chose love.  I chose love." In reality, her fear was huge and overwhelming, while her faith was just out of reach.

She had forgotten who she was.

Her laughter had fallen silent. Her smile had disappeared. Her world was dark and scary.

Because she had forgotten who she was.

Until, one day, someone sat beside her in the dark. Someone loved her when she was incapable of loving herself. Someone believed in her when she didn't believe in herself. Someone accepted her, shame and sadness, fears and all. They didn't ask her to do better or be better.

She began to remember.

She remembered her magic.

She remembered her joy.

She remembered that she was beautiful and brave and strong.

She remembered how to laugh and love and play. 

In remembering her smile dazzled and power danced in her eyes.  Love and joy suffused her being.

She remembered and in remembering she realized that she is powerful beyond measure and the creator of her destiny.

Fear - The Final Frontier

I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of love and loss. Death, being alone, being abandoned. I am afraid I am too much, and not enough. Forever not good enough.

I am afraid that I will regret the things I have done and the things I have left undone. The things I have said and the things I have left unsaid. I am afraid that every choice is the wrong one. I am full of fear and self-doubt.

Somedays fear overwhelms me and I succumb, to anger, resentment, envy. I am petty in my fear. Throwing rocks at those who would soothe me, snarling at those who would love me. Until I'm exhausted. Only then, when the rage is spent, do I remember my vows. The vow to stand strong in the face of fear. The vow that says I will choose love, even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

There, in my exhaustion, do I remember. Then I am shamed by my humanity. I am no better or worse. I am not enlightened. My shame breaks me, as much as my fear does. It leaves me humble and apologetic. 

I am nothing but a husk, a shell, hollowed out by the emotions that course through me. Leaving emptiness in their wake. Emptiness and exhaustion.

Then I have a choice, to fill the emptiness with love or fear. Again and again I choose love. Again and again I reach for love. I feel it wash over me. I feel safe. I feel soothed. I feel the joy of a connection and a power so much greater than my own. I am content, to rest, here.

Until the fear rises up. The doubts assail me. I am limited by my own beliefs. The beliefs that say I am broken. Not good enough. I will fail. Who could ever love one such as I.

I remind myself that I can surmount any obstacle, conquer any foe. I am a superhero. I am unbreakable. I am everything. And also... nothing.

Fear is not to be conquered. There is no foe to vanquish. There is only the dichotomy. To accept. That I hold both fear and love. I am both human and divine.

Acceptance mean sitting with the fear, drowning in it, going under without a struggle.

Acceptance means letting the fear course through me and not lashing out to hurt those who reach for me.

Acceptance means feeling the fear, letting it rule, for a moment, while remembering that love is there, waiting on the other side.

Fear is the final frontier. The last place of darkness that I run from. It cannot be escaped. My fears run with me, keeping pace, taunting me. I will lose. I will fail. I will break. No matter how fast I run, no matter where I hide, no matter how I deny, or strive, or reach. Fear is ever present.

So, for a moment, I will stop running, stop hiding, stop denying. I will sit still with my fear. I will not strive to overcome. I will not reach for love. For a moment, I will be content to be a human, filled with fear. And I will remember, even here, in my fear, I am safe and love awaits.