Today I Get Out of Bed

It has been a year an a half since my son died. A single moment. A snowstorm. A tractor-trailer. 

We wake up every day, get out of bed, put our pants on and step out into this vast unknown. We assume that the end of the day will see us safely home again, tucked into our beds. For many, that is not the way the day ends. For those left behind, it is a phone call,  a knock on the door, and the fabric of our worlds is ripped asunder.

I am broken. My reality forever changed. My heart hurts. I cry. Often. I do not have the words to express the depth and breadth of the pain I feel every day. My boy is not coming home.

I wake up in the morning and remind myself "Zac is dead." Over and over I tell myself "Zac is not coming home.  Not today. Not ever."

I cry silent tears.

I cry great racking sobs that shake my whole body. 

I sit alone, silent in a crowd.  I don't reach for people. I don't make small talk. I wrap my arms around my belly and rock, reminding myself to breath.

In through the nose.

Out through the mouth.

This is what my grief looks like.

A pain so deep you can't fathom the darkness. 

This is my reality. Every day.

And yet...

Every day...

I get out of bed.

I function. I brush my teeth and put on pants. I go to work. I drive past the spot he died. Every day.

I get out of bed.

I hold my children, talk to them and listen to their stories.  I cheer for them at baseball games. I laugh at their jokes. I play with them and eat ice cream with them.

I get out of bed.

I climb mountains.  I kiss pirates. I go out dancing.  I drink margaritas. 

I get out of bed. 

I walk in the ocean. I watch the sun rise. I pet the dog. I feed the birds.

I get out of bed.

In the midst of the worst pain imaginable,  I get out of bed and live. I show up, have the hard talks, love with an open heart. I see people, hear them, love them and forgive them.

I get out of bed and live. I dive deep, explore my wounds, make connections, speak my truth, go on adventures.

Life is fragile and fleeting. It makes us no promises, offers us no guarantees. My promise... I will not take these moments for granted. I will not lie in bed and feel sorry for myself. I will not let life and love and joy pass me by.

I will get out of bed and I will live every moment.

To the Girl in the Mirror

I love you,  I tell her.

I'm sorry. 

Please forgive me.

She gazes back at me, sad and silent. 

I'm sorry for all the times I put you down and all the ways in which I said you weren't good enough.

I'm sorry I told you to be good or to be quiet or to try harder. I'm sorry for telling you that you were wrong.

Every time I told you that you were too much, or not enough,  I was wrong. I was cruel.  I didn't see you, but was more worried about pleasing them.

I made you feel unworthy and inferior. I criticized, mercilessly. Told you you were lazy, had no self disciple,  mocked your stretch marks, your sags and bags and wrinkles. Every time I looked at you I resented your wild curls and made fun of your small boobs.

I told you to try harder, do more but be less. Less emotional. Less adventurous.  Less wild. Behave yourself.  Be a good girl. I grew frustrated with your insistence on adventures and fun, forgiving everyone, taking to everyone, living and loving with a heart wide open.  If only you would listen to me, close your heart and turn your back on people it might hurt less. You might cry less. People aren't worth it I told you. But you stubbornly argued that they were. You insisted the adventure was always worth it while I tried so hard to tame you.

We compromised. You sat sullen and resentful. You held your tongue and did the right thing. You pretended to be responsible while inside you were dying to run with the wind and dance in the waves. I thought I had won.

I didn't realize that I was losing the love of my life. I didn't know that everything that I was trying to tame is what makes you beautiful and wondrous.

I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I see you, trying so hard to contain your emotions, trying to not love so fiercely and swallow your tears. Your emotions are what makes you powerful. Let them flow freely through you. Love again, with your whole heart. Sing out loud and don't care what anyone thinks of the sound of your voice, for to me, it is the sweetest song I've ever heard.

Your smile, your laughter, your joy fill my heart to overflowing. Anything that brings you joy, let's do that, together, because your energy and enthusiasm are contagious.

I tried so hard to get you to please them, those others.  I desperately wanted their  approval. I wanted them to pick us and say that we were enough. In my longing for love and acceptance I turned my back on you, the one who needed me most, the one who I should have loved best. I hurt you. Please forgive me.

Today, I pick you. Never again will I ask you to be quiet to make someone else think more of me. Never again will I suggest that you are too much or aren't enough. You are wondrous. Your curls are fabulous. They go perfectly with your sparkling eyes, impish smile and ready laughter. You are smart and strong and beautiful. There is nothing we can't do, together and I am so blessed to get to walk through this life with you.

She Had Forgotten

I looked in the mirror and saw sad eyes, slumped shoulders and a head bowed under the weight of burdens carried. Who was this woman in front of me? Buried in sadness and shame , a frown upon her face, she was unrecognizable to me. She was tired. She lacked joy. She lacked hope. Going through the motions, with no energy or enthusiasm.

She had forgotten who she was.

Every day, over and over, she chanted in her head "I chose love.  I chose love." In reality, her fear was huge and overwhelming, while her faith was just out of reach.

She had forgotten who she was.

Her laughter had fallen silent. Her smile had disappeared. Her world was dark and scary.

Because she had forgotten who she was.

Until, one day, someone sat beside her in the dark. Someone loved her when she was incapable of loving herself. Someone believed in her when she didn't believe in herself. Someone accepted her, shame and sadness, fears and all. They didn't ask her to do better or be better.

She began to remember.

She remembered her magic.

She remembered her joy.

She remembered that she was beautiful and brave and strong.

She remembered how to laugh and love and play. 

In remembering her smile dazzled and power danced in her eyes.  Love and joy suffused her being.

She remembered and in remembering she realized that she is powerful beyond measure and the creator of her destiny.

Fear - The Final Frontier

I am afraid of everything. I am afraid of love and loss. Death, being alone, being abandoned. I am afraid I am too much, and not enough. Forever not good enough.

I am afraid that I will regret the things I have done and the things I have left undone. The things I have said and the things I have left unsaid. I am afraid that every choice is the wrong one. I am full of fear and self-doubt.

Somedays fear overwhelms me and I succumb, to anger, resentment, envy. I am petty in my fear. Throwing rocks at those who would soothe me, snarling at those who would love me. Until I'm exhausted. Only then, when the rage is spent, do I remember my vows. The vow to stand strong in the face of fear. The vow that says I will choose love, even when it's hard, even when it hurts.

There, in my exhaustion, do I remember. Then I am shamed by my humanity. I am no better or worse. I am not enlightened. My shame breaks me, as much as my fear does. It leaves me humble and apologetic. 

I am nothing but a husk, a shell, hollowed out by the emotions that course through me. Leaving emptiness in their wake. Emptiness and exhaustion.

Then I have a choice, to fill the emptiness with love or fear. Again and again I choose love. Again and again I reach for love. I feel it wash over me. I feel safe. I feel soothed. I feel the joy of a connection and a power so much greater than my own. I am content, to rest, here.

Until the fear rises up. The doubts assail me. I am limited by my own beliefs. The beliefs that say I am broken. Not good enough. I will fail. Who could ever love one such as I.

I remind myself that I can surmount any obstacle, conquer any foe. I am a superhero. I am unbreakable. I am everything. And also... nothing.

Fear is not to be conquered. There is no foe to vanquish. There is only the dichotomy. To accept. That I hold both fear and love. I am both human and divine.

Acceptance mean sitting with the fear, drowning in it, going under without a struggle.

Acceptance means letting the fear course through me and not lashing out to hurt those who reach for me.

Acceptance means feeling the fear, letting it rule, for a moment, while remembering that love is there, waiting on the other side.

Fear is the final frontier. The last place of darkness that I run from. It cannot be escaped. My fears run with me, keeping pace, taunting me. I will lose. I will fail. I will break. No matter how fast I run, no matter where I hide, no matter how I deny, or strive, or reach. Fear is ever present.

So, for a moment, I will stop running, stop hiding, stop denying. I will sit still with my fear. I will not strive to overcome. I will not reach for love. For a moment, I will be content to be a human, filled with fear. And I will remember, even here, in my fear, I am safe and love awaits.

Today I Have Faith

I believe that there is a power greater than I could ever imagine. That power - God, Allah, Jehovah, The Divine,  Mother Earth, the Universe - by whatever name, that power holds nothing but love for me.

I am seen. I am heard. I am valued.

I believe this.

In the depths of my despair I am held safe and I am not alone.

I believe there is a purpose both in life and in death. We search for meaning out of seemingly random events. Joys and tragedies bound together. Love and loss. Sometimes we find meaning. Sometimes we don't.  Sometimes we make meaning out of it, create our own stories, so we have something to hold on to.

Whatever meaning we find or create,  there is a bigger picture that we can't see. I have faith in the bigger picture. I have faith in the Master Painter. I have faith in the unfolding.

I believe there is a love bigger than me and a meaning bigger than my mind can conceive. I am willing to trust in that. 

And have faith.