Remembering the First Man I Ever Loved

Today I will bake a cake and I will eat cake. Then I will take a piece of cake, set it on fire and take the ashes of the cake down to the river. Standing beside the river silently, I will say a little prayer and throw cake ashes into the water.

I do this every year on May 17. It is a birthday party for the first man I ever loved.

Once, a long time ago, this man took me into his arms and held me close. I listened to his heart beat and I loved him.

Not once did I ever doubt his love for me.

He listened to me. He held me when I cried. He taught me to make pancakes and donuts. He bought me cinnamon buns. I brought him coffee.

For years I would call him with my questions. How do you...? What do you think about...? Do you know a 7 letter word that means...? He always had an answer. If he didn't know it, he made it up.

And he always had a story. The scars on his arm came from a lion when he was in Africa. He stayed with the Wazari tribe. It was their custom for you to earn your manhood by facing a lion with the spear and shield you had made yourself. He took his spear and his shield. He banged the spear against the shield until he had the lion's attention. It leaped and he didn't quite get his shield up in time. Although his spear was up and the lion was impaled, it had enough strength to claw his arm and leave those scars before it died.

I know he never fought a lion in Africa, just like I know that there isn't a little man hiding in the coffee machine taking your order and pouring your coffee. But I hung on his every word. I thought he knew everything and he was the smartest strongest man in the world.



He was my daddy.

He taught me about unconditional love.

He taught me about respect and integrity.

He taught me that there is a time and place for everything.

He taught me the value of hard work.

He taught me about patience.

He was my everything and then he died.





Today I will make cake and I will eat cake.

Today I will cremate cake and throw the ashes in the river.

Every day I will miss him.

Every day I will think of him.

Forever I will love him.

Keep Going

"If you hear the dogs, keep going. 

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. 

If there's shouting after you, keep going. 

Don't ever stop. Keep going. 

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going."

~ Harriet Tubman

I saw this quote from Harriet Tubman and it spoke to me. So often we feel something pulling at our heart, something that calls to us and makes us yearn for more. There must be more to life than this so we set our feet upon a path, with hope and determination. 

We set out with a dream, a hope, a plan. We have the best of intentions. Yet, a little at a time we lose our impetuous. We get sidetracked. We lose steam. 

We hear the dogs, the nagging voices in our head that say we aren't good enough, strong enough, smart enough. The barking of the dogs drowns out the dream.  We tell ourselves that it's okay to fail.

We see the torches in the woods, all the various distractions that pull at our focus. There is work and kids, chores to be done. We volunteer our time, cook and clean and do laundry. We turn on the tv, pick up a book, scroll through the Facebook news feed. Instead of keeping our eye on the prize we look away and slowly we lose hope.

And then the shouting after you - if you can manage to stay the course the shouting starts. You had a dream, you set a goal, you made a plan. But not everyone is on board with that plan. There are others that try to pull you back, keep things the same.  Don't rock the boat. It's safer, easier this way. The more you change the more you make those around you uncomfortable. Slowly the plan crumbles.

I can't imagine the courage it took the slaves to flee to safety. They stepped out into the unknown. They trusted that the right people would be there to help them at exactly the right time. I'm sure many of them didn't make it.

But the stakes were high. Failing meant being beaten, branded or even killed. I'm sure some slaves decided that it was safer to maintain the status quo. Just as many of us hear the call and decide that it is safer and easier to let sleeping dogs lie.

Would you turn you back on your dreams if it meant death? Would you let you hopes fade if to fail meant to be branded for life?  Do you have the courage and the strength to push past all the obstacles? Will you return in shame? Or will you keep going?

And if you fail will you keep that hope burning in your heart so you can try again and again?

Every day we all face fear and insecurity. Every day there are setbacks. Over and over we fall and we fail, we hurt and we cry. Then we get back up.

For those who set out on the path, for those who keep going, for those who persevere the rewards are great. So as Harriet Tubman said "Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going."

When the road is long and rough, keep going. 

When it's dark and you're scared, keep going. 

When people you love reach for you to hold you back, shrug off their hands and keep going. 

The only thing that can keep you from your truth is you. Keep going. 

You got this.