In The Night ~ Poem

The dark surrounds me like a blanket

In the middle of the night

It is quiet and still

Not alone but so lonely

Listening to the patter of the rain

Washing everything clean

On its journey back to the ocean

Silent but for the voices in my head

Pressing my face against the window

Hot skin meets smooth and cold

Breath fogs the glass

Blurring what is and what isn't

Turmoil of mind and emotion

Confusion, heartbreak, fear

Overwhelms in the dark

When no distractions are to be found

A cat rubs against my legs

A rumbling purr interrupts the sound of the rain

Love so pure and accepting

Comforts me in the night

I Could Die Now

My best friend sat across the table in a little bar in Florida. The sun was shining down and we were inches from the water.

"I could die now," I told her as I munched on a deep fried pickle.

A few years ago I felt like I hadn't lived. I didn't know me, what I liked, who I was, what I wanted for myself. I was wife, mother, daughter, sister. But I wasn't Victoria. I didn't even know who Victoria was. I lived in the mind of a stranger.

The trauma of divorce broke me out of my shell of a life. If this is all there is then I was going to live it. No more being the good girl. No more living for other people.  No more trying to please.

And so the adventures began.

I went sailing and surfing. I zip lined down a mountain. I jumped off a cliff into the water below. I went on a date and then another one. For the first time in my life I had a drink, and then another one.

I swam naked in the ocean.

I danced under the stars in Las Vegas.

I made love beside a stream in broad daylight.

I watched the sun set in Key West.

I drove a convertible with the top down.

I flew in a hot air balloon.

I para-sailed over the ocean.

I walked a labyrinth in the desert.

I climbed a mountain.

I did yoga on a beach, white water rafted and went stand up paddle boarding.

I got a tattoo and then another and another.

I kissed a cowboy, rode a mechanical bull and shot a gun.

I went to college. I got a job. I became a yoga teacher.

I loved and laughed and played. I left fear behind and gathered up experiences and memories like I was collecting pretty shells on a beach.

I found Victoria.

I got to know her and decided I like her.

I really have no plans to die any time soon. I rather hope I don't because I have so much more living and loving and laughing to do, but when the times comes and I do die, I won't die feeling like I haven't truly lived.

The One That Got Away

They touch all aspects of our lives. These people that we've known and loved before. They are here to help us learn and grow, to challenge us, to make us face our wounds, to teach us to forgive. They are our parents, our siblings, our friends and lovers, our children. They are our bosses and our co-workers.

They are our soul mates.

But there are some that just brush the edges of our lives. They are the ones we could have loved if we had the chance. They are the ones that got away.


You wrote me letters when I was 14 and poems when I was 15.


You held my hand when I was 16.


You hugged me when I cried when I was 20.

When I was 25, you played a game of cribbage with me.

You sat beside me on an airplane when I was 30.

You laughed with me when I was 35 and when I was 38, you danced with me under the stars. 

You had a drink with me in a bar when I was 40.

I bumped into you at the grocery store.

I walked on the beach beside you.

I laughed at your joke.

I listened to your story.

Our eyes met and instantly our hearts connected. In that moment we shared a lifetime full of memories, what once was. In that moment we loved completely.

You might have been in my life for a minute, an hour, a day, a week or even a month. And then you were gone. The connection broken, the memories dissolving into mist in my mind.

I'm left wondering who you were and why did you matter so much. I wonder if I imagined it, that tenuous connection. I ache to know more. I hunger for a glimpse of your smile.

But it's gone. It's over. Life moves on, pulling us in different directions.

I know I'll never see you again. Not in this lifetime.

I can wait. Maybe in the next lifetime or the one after that we'll come together again. I'll get the chance to know you again.

Someday.

The ties that bind hearts together can not be undone by time or space or lifetimes.