Alone in the Nest

I walk through my quiet house. The only sound is the clicking of the dog's toenails on the floor as she silently follows me. Three cats sit in a row going up the stairs.  Their eyes follow my aimless wandering.

This pressing silence foreshadows the empty nest to come.

I am a mom, first and foremost. For over 20 years I have devoted myself to my children. I have done homework, read stories, kissed boo-boos. I have watched countless games of football, baseball, soccer, dance and piano recitals. I have locked myself in the bathroom to get a little alone time and I have gone to bed and cried when it was all too much. 

This is me. Mom. 

Some days it seemed like it would never end. Some nights felt like they lasted an eternity. Yet the years have flown by in the blink of an eye. 

We have picnicked and played. We have cried and laughed. We have argued and hugged. For 20 years we have been inseparable, mom and children. 

Now my house is silent. No little voices calling for me, no rough housing or indoor football matches, no fridge slamming, no piano playing, no heavy footfalls racing down the stairs, no screaming, laughing, racing, dog barking fun. Just silence. 

They are not here and I am lonely. 

I hear their voices in my head.

          "Mom, do we have anything to eat?"

           "Mom, I can't get this."

           "Mom, can I...?"

           "Mom!!!"

They aren't yet gone. In a few hours they will return and my house will be full of energy again. I tell myself that I should enjoy the quiet and the freedom to do as I like. 

But I don't. The silence presses on me. I wonder where they are and what they're doing. I miss them with an ache so deep and so powerful it can not be put into words. My babies, growing up so fast. Scattering in the wind and filling their time with school and jobs and girls and friends as they prepare to move on and leave me behind. 

It is time for me to prepare as well. What next? Who am I if not mom? What do I do with these vast gaps of empty silent time? Who do I play with and talk to if not them?

What now?

I sit in the silence and contemplate these things. Today, I have no answers. 

   

In my Imaginings

In my imaginings you come to me.

Or perhaps I go to you.

You might show up in a yoga class or I might find you sitting on my front steps.

We gaze into each others eyes, in my imaginings.

You tell me that you've never forgotten me, or gotten over me. You tell me that no other girl could quite fill my place.

In my imaginings, I hesitate, fearful and doubting before I step into you arms.

We hold each other close and kiss.


We are perpetually young in my imaginings, no lines on our faces, our bodies still young, trim and strong, hair unmarked by grey.

I reach for you, in my imaginings and you are there.

You tell me your stories and I tell you mine.

Together we heal our wounds.

It is only in my imaginings that we live happily ever after, untouched by time or stresses.

There are never any socks on the floor or dirty dishes in the sink.

Our thoughts and feelings are openly shared. There are no harsh words ever spoken between us.

We go on adventures together. We love, we play, we grow together, only in my imaginings.

You live there, with me, in the fairy tale world of my imagining.

And then I open my eyes.

Gratitude

The holiday season is finally over. It's been 3 months, Canadian Thanksgiving, Halloween,  American Thanksgiving,  Hanukkah, Christmas and finally New Years. It's been long, painful and cluttered. I know I bring it on myself. Eight pies for Canadian Thanksgiving dinner, a homemade costume to sew two days before Halloween, volunteering on American Thanksgiving, Hanukkah presents to buy, Christmas party's and teacher gifts. I insist on doing it all and doing it big.

Through it all a stream of gratitude ran through my heart.

As a Canadian in America I'm often asked if the Canadian Thanksgiving tradition is the same as the American. No, Canada didn't have the Pilgrims and the Waumpenoags. There wasn't a big feast where the Natives shared with the newly arrived Pilgrims. What Canada had was a grateful mind set.  Any time they wanted to, they would declare a day of Thanksgiving.  The ship arrived safely in the harbor. The war was over. The cholera plague has ended. The coronation of the King. For whatever reason we might like, at any time, we can declare a day to praise the Almighty and offer our thanksgiving. Perhaps this why Canadian Thanksgiving is my favourite holiday.

But this past year Thanksgiving was not just the beginning of the holiday season but the beginning of my emphasis on gratitude. There is so much goodness and beauty in the world if we can just pause to see it.

Against all odds my guy and I are still together and happy.

I have 7 wonderful healthy children.

I have my very own, beautiful home.

Unlike the pilgrims and the Waumpenoags,  I have heat, electricity and hot running water.

I have a SUV that fits my whole family in it and I have a Mustang for those days that I'm on my own.

I have a mom who loves me.

I have a best friend who would help me hide the body if I ever needed her too.

I have a sister, brother-in-law, cousin and more, who are there for me.

I have a community, with a mail man, a car guy, a deli guy, teachers, coaches, and friends of all shapes and sizes.

I have books to read.

I have a cell phone and all the wonderful technology that goes with it.

I have a dog and three cats that like to keep my feet warm.

My bills are paid and there is food in the fridge.

I am healthy.

I have loved and learned and grown in ways I couldn't imagine.

No matter where I look, the piles of dirty laundry, the mud on the floor, the spilled milk inside the fridge, the rumpled bed... each one of these things remind me of how blessed I am and how wonderful my life really is.

It can be so easy to focus on the negative, the violence,  the responsibilities, the lack. Not enough time, money, fun, love. Instead of lack or loss, instead of too many chores and not enough fun, instead of bills and debt, I see all the gifts I've been given, the love that fills my life, the ease with which I live and I am thankful.






http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/passover/thanksgiving/canada.html