My Ben

I don't want to do it. That is what I keep repeating. I don't want to do it again. I don't want another funeral.  I don't want to cremate another son. I don't want to do it. But I will. Because there is no other choice. 

I'm managing better this time around. I don't vomit over and over every day. I have been able to eat a little. I have been able to sleep, some. We all started making jokes the second day in. It makes me wonder, did I love him less? Am I grief numb? Is it the shock? 

What I think is that I've walked this road before. We walked this road together seven years ago. We learned so much about grief and life, that even though we are devastated again, we know. 

We know that the world keeps turning and the sun keeps rising despite our sorrow. We know that in the beginning grief is all encompassing, but our life will grow around it. We know that we will find reasons to smile and to laugh again. We know that he will miss things, weddings and holidays and such, but we also know, that we will find ways to honor him at those events. We know that there will be new babies to love. We know that there will be new friends to laugh with. 

We know that he is not gone. We know he is still with us. His presence felt, though unseen. We know that love does do not die. But mostly, we know that we have been so incredibly blessed to love and have been loved in such a way that we grieve like this. 

The Journey To Peace

 I have walked through the fires of hell. One foot in front of the other. Day after day. My tears putting out the flames that would consume me. I have walked through the fires of hell. 

I lost my son. I lost my best cousin. I lost my guy. I lost my best friend. And then I lost myself. I lost the will to live. I lost joy and wonder and magic. And yet I kept walking. One foot in front of the other. 

Day after day I walked through a world that held pain and grief and loss. Day after day I contemplated giving up. Day after day I cried. But I kept on walking. 

I lost integrity. I lost faith. I lost hope. I held love in one hand and fear in the other, and I chose fear. I chose fear every day, until I was drowning in it. I couldn't catch my breath. 

I was lost in a hell of my own making. And still, I kept on walking. While the flames licked at my feet and the tears burned my cheeks. 

Until one day, love walked into hell and smiled at me. One day, love took my hand and asked me to choose. One day, I held fear in one hand and love in the other and I chose love. 

I chose love. I didn't want to go on. I didn't want to live. I had nothing left. But I chose love, and I walked out of hell into a world of magic. 

I found love in a world full of tiny, beautiful things. It was there in the frost on the window, the falling leaves, a baby's laughter. It was there, waiting for me to find my way out of hell. 

Today I am unapologetically joyous. The world is full of wonder again. I do work that feeds my soul. I am surrounded by people who love me. I love and am loved. I see beauty and goodness everywhere. 

I have walked through the fires of hell, and I have come out the other side. I do not regret the trip, or how long it took me. I have earned peace, love and joy, with every flaming footstep and burning tear drop. 

 Now instead of walking through hell, I am dancing through life. I have held fear, and I have held love. I once chose fear. Today I chose love. Today I chose laughter. Today I chose life, in all its wonder and magic.  Today I chose peace.